How To Spot A First Time Baller

Money is sweet. Those who’ve always had it sometimes take it for granted. For those that just came into a large ass sum of money for the first time in their lives, there are certain signs you can use to pick them out.

1. NEW PERSONA

First, replace your accent. The only acceptable accents would be an American one or a British one. Next to go? Your name. Chukwuma is dead, you will now be reborn as Damien. Damien Eze. Dammy for short. Mama Put stalls are now beneath you, it’ll be expensive restaurants and lounges from now on. Now how would you like your drink sir? Shaken Not Stirred? Excellent choice. And your car? Scrap that economic Nissan for a bright red Maserati. You deserve it.

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7 Stupid Mistakes People Make In Horror Movies

One finds it easy to lose their self in horror films. But if you watch closely, you’ll find that certain deaths and accidents could have been avoided if characters didn’t make certain mistakes.

1. WALKING TOWARDS A WEIRD NOISE

You’re obviously alone at home, at night, & you start to hear a scraping sound coming from the back of the house. What do you do? Oyibo people will form brave and brandish a flash light, just to go trapezing around in the dark to discover the source of the noise. We know better. Me, I won’t even wait for the noise to finish. I’m already out the door with my phone & wallet. It’s not me that you’ll kill. The police can handle this one.

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The Wonderful Characteristics Of A Nigerian Wedding

Weddings are a whole other affair in Nigeria. And it wouldn’t be a Nigerian wedding if the following factors didn’t come into play.

1. LATENESS

It specifically says on the invite that the ‘Reception Starts at 1pm‘. What time do guests start arriving? 3 – 4pm. Everyone wants to be fashionably late. Even the wedding party itself will be late. I once went to a wedding where the bridal party arrived so late that the party Jellof rice had decongealed back to plain white rice & red stew. The only people that do come early are the caterers and the decorators. They don’t need anyone stressing their lives about being on time. Me, I come early to secure my parking space & a prime seat next to the buffet table. Priorities.

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END SWAT. REFORM THE POLICE.

Our lovely government is trying to take our youths on yet another ride. Dressing a monkey in a clothes doesn’t make it human. Trying to rebrand SARS as SWAT isn’t fooling anyone. Tackle the root of the problem. Properly educate and train officers. Pay them an adequate salary promptly and on time in order to reduce their impulse of extorting people for money. And most of all, set heavy penalties in place for anyone who would dare to use violence on a Nigerian citizen.

I sign off with these words from Thomas Paine: The Duty Of A Patriot Is To Protect His/Her Country From Its Government.

Awkward Situations We’ve All Experienced

1. WHEN YOU’RE WATCHING A MOVIE WITH YOUR PARENTS & A LOVE SCENE COMES ON. I see nothing, I hear nothing, I know nothing.

2. WHEN IT’S ALL QUIET IN A CROWDED ROOM & YOUR STOMACH DECIDES TO START GROWLING. Personally I find that a quick punch to the gut solves this problem

3. WAVING AT SOMEONE YOU THOUGHT WAS WAVING AT YOU, BUT IT TURNS OUT THEY WERE WAVING AT THE PERSON BEHIND YOU. Pretend like you never waved in the 1st place. Dignity restored.

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