I love Nigeria. A true patriot. I dare you to name one person who is as dedicated as I am to the betterment of my county (Dont please. Allow me to deceive myself in peace). Anyone who lives or has at least visited Nigeria will agree that we possess a unique brand of madness. This is particularly seen in our road manners. 1st rule of driving in Nigeria? Assume every other driver is mad except you. Even when abroad, certain aspects of our driving still contain that Naija flavour.
Without further ado, let’s take a look at the signs you can use to pick out a Nigerian driver. For fun, with every habit that applies to you, give yourself a point.
This is the backbone of Nigerian driving. Infact, I believe that before you’re even granted a driver’s license, you must have received a degree in overtaking 1st. Most of us are impatient, even downright irritated when driving. It might be the heat that brings out this specific trait because tell me why a keke driver will have the audacity to overtake me on the highway with that generator of an engine it has. Even if a car is parked, we have to overtake it because we cannot be overtaken in Jesus name, Amen.
2. YOU IGNORE ALL ROAD SIGNALS
Oshe Risk Taker. Rules are meant to be broken #yolo. Signals? What signals? Some people don’t even know how to indicate. Do we even have a road safety handbook that outline basic road regulations? If we do, I’ve never seen it. Apparently, everything can be overcome with speed. Red Light? Speed up. Zebra crossing? Speed up. Roundabout? REVERSE, THEN SPEED UP! We don’t even have respect for our road safety officers. Take a guess at what we do when we see them standing in the middle of the road.
3. SERIAL HORN-ER
Personally, I don’t find this a fault because, as previously mentioned, everyone on the road is mad. Is it not madness for someone to park at a busy junction just to toast a girl? #hisfather. The horn is the one thing Nigerians can’t go without while driving. If it spoils, better fix it. That horn is an extension of yourself. It’s used to alert other drivers, to greet friends, even to draw attention to our new paint job #noticemeorIdie.
4. PEERING INTO OTHER PEOPLE’S CARS
This is a double sin, so give yourself 2 points. Not only do you commit the grave sin of overtaking, you actually turn to dissect every inch of the person’s car because your busybody nature won’t allow you to be great. And it’s not like you would do anything if you saw something weird. Once, I saw a child scratching the screen of his father’s phone with a pen. As the child of God that I am, I sped off quickly because my eyes are consecrated and I cannot behold the demise of another living being.
5. RANDOM PARKING
This is now a new norm. Parking spaces are usually limited, especially with the kind of traffic we have. So we learned to adapt and take what we could get. Any location is fair game. In front of shops, gas stations, hotels, malls, you name it. I’m not talking about short-term ‘I’ll be right back’ parking. I mean ‘My grandfather left a car here and I’ve come to collect it’ parking. Even pavements are not longer safe. Is it me that told you to be a pedestrian?
We’re always suspicious of each other’s motive. Someone even can dip their hand in your car and jack your phone on the road. We stand outside our cars to watch fuel pumps at gas stations because they might try to cheat us. Everyone is hustling, but some people take it too far. A mechanic tried to sell me a second rate tyre for 12k (Cue Spiritual Laughter). Double-check everything, proceed to lock your doors and windows because this is Nigeria and wayo is in our blood.
Okay, Now let’s tally the points:
1 -2 points: There is still hope for you
3-4 points: Our Father above is using style to watch you
5–7 points: You’re possessed. Surrender your license immediately
THANKS FOR READING!!
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