MY 1ST REQUEST! THIS IS HUGE! THIS IS AMAZING! THIS IS *cough* Sorry about that, got a little carried away.
Hello everyone! So I got a request from a subscriber, asking me to cover this topic with my usual charm and wit. Naturally, I agreed. What better way to start the week than by going through a list detailing types of annoying relatives. I managed to narrow them down to 8 main categories, but if you have any other examples in mind, do feel free to let me know in the comment section below.
So, without further ado, let’s get down to it.
1. THE BRAGGART
In my experience, these are usually African aunties (older, distant, female relatives). They start off with an innocent question like ‘How’re you doing, nne?’ Proper home training prompts you to respond with a ‘I’m fine Aunty & you?’ This is the beginning of the end. All of a sudden, she’s telling you about the award her daughter just won, how her son is such a competent doctor and her husband is a respected member of their church. This kind of relative is usually blind to the faults of her own family. Which matter should I tackle 1st? That Chukwuka quit his job to start whining his waist on TV? That Amara is on probation at work for jacking office supplies? (common pen and paper is what this girl is using to disgrace us) Or that I caught Papa Chukwuka dipping his hand into the offering basket? Sacrilege at its best.
2. THE FOOD PACKER
If you only knew how much I resent this relative. You only see them at events where they’re a 100% sure that the food will be pinging. They remain dormant through out the whole gathering until they notice the servers taking their place at the buffet table.
Now there’re 2 specific types here:
.Group A: The Veterans
.Group B: The Formers
I respect Group A more, the ones that come with their own food containers. You know the kind of containers I’m talking about: battle weary, oil stained, cracked covers. You can spot them by their signature black raffia bags filled with 6-10 containers to carry every dish imaginable. They don’t hide who they are & what they came for.
Group B, however, is the worst. They can pretend for Africa. These are the ones that will disturb you for containers & carry away bags because it’s too unseemly for them to bring their own. You then have to squash multiple combinations of food into 1 container until they’re satisfied. My own is, Mama Cynthia, you better wash and bring back my container the next time you come over. Nonsense.
3. THE ‘NON-RELATIVE’
There’s always that one person in a family gathering that you’re not sure how you’re related or even how you know each other. But they always show up promptly for every party, wedding, birthday and burial. Even your parents don’t know who they are, but Ignorance is unacceptable in Igbo Land, so no one asks any questions and everyone just goes with the flow. I have such a relative, and every year, without fail, he never ceases to offload his burdens on me. How he’s not taken seriously, land disputes (There’s always some form of land dispute going on) & his love life. I pride myself on being a good listener, but half of the time, I hardly hear anything he says because the same question keeps repeating itself in my head: ‘Bros, abeg, no vex, who are you?’
4. THE ‘ITK’
This relative deserves our sympathy because he suffers from the dreaded, incurable ‘I Too Know’ disease. I can’t ever remember a time when this relative didn’t give me a lecture pertaining to how to achieve a successful life like his. He always manages to turn everything into a political discussion. He talks over you & doesn’t care if you asked for his opinion or not because he’s graciously blessing you with his everlasting wisdom. His favourite catchphrase? ‘They never used to do this in my day’. Well apparently, you guys used to trek 12 miles to school, so I don’t know what you’re so smug about. Next time I see him, I’m going to ask him to recite all 48 Laws Of Power so I can see something #pettygang
5. THE BUSY BODY
Again, this is usually an African aunty. She’s always curious about the intricacies of your life because hers is just plain uneventful, I guess. All areas are open to investigation: work, family, even your church life. God help you that you don’t meet up with her expectations, your matter will then become a general family issue. The area that tickles her the most is your love life. ‘You’re still a virgin abi? Are you seeing anyone? No? You must be gay then since you don’t want to settle down. You’re not getting any younger o!’ *SIGH* Shoutouts to our fallen brothers & sisters who this aunty outed to their parents because they assumed you were misbehaving. I’m just quietly waiting for the day when her own matter is up for grabs. The way I will spread it, like butter on toast. Ahh, I can’t, child of God and all that. The sacrifices we make for our faith. I’ll just have to leave it in the capable hands of my cousin. Chudi, it’s your time to shine.
6. THE PERFECT ONE
You know yourselves, O ye of the ass-kissing nature. Everyone loves this relative because they’re just so PERFECT. Perfect face, perfect body, perfect job, perfect manners…….Perfection kill you there. Because of them, we get judged by our other relatives. ‘Why can’t you be more like Festus?’ This same Festus that lied to Aunty Chichi’s face, saying that her Jellof rice was the best he’d ever tasted. I agree. It was the best abomination I’d ever tasted too. Burnt, tasteless, drowned in oil and half cooked. She even tried to improve the flavour by adding honey……I don’t know which demon was coaching her. But I had to sit there and eat SECONDS because I didn’t want to be outdone by His Royal Perfectness. For that rice alone, Festus, I’ll never forgive you.
7. THE RUDE ONE
Usually best friends with the busy body aunty. This relative actually made me cry once, when she told me my dress made me look like an upside down pineapple……I haven’t worn that dress since. She has no filter, is always making inappropriate remarks & makes it her life mission to wreck your self esteem, one comment at a time, by pointing out all your flaws. ‘Nne, you gained weight AGAIN?’ ‘What happened to your face?! It used to be so smooth!’ ‘Don’t worry Nna, not everyone is smart enough to pass WAEC’ (RIP Cousin Wale, that roast was undeserved). She can dish it out, but God forbid that you give her a taste of her own medicine. All of a sudden, you’re disrespectful & you lack home training. She should be careful o, people be wilding these days. Aunty, with all respect, fix your burnt lace & glue that peeling gucci buckle back on your shoe before you come for me.
8. THE DISCO CHAMP
Personally, I like this relative. They’re always jovial and down for fun. They taught me my 1st and only dancestep when I was a kid. Dancing is the greatest joy of their life & it shows. They only come to events to show off the different dance styles that they have been practicing and perfecting throughout the year. Christmas parties and weddings are their top 2 prime locations. Unfortunately, they tend to get drunk really quickly (liquid courage) & their carefully planned steps turn into a chaotic jumble of arms and legs. As their relative, it is my solemn duty to document every minute of said breakdown, not only for posterity, but also distribute at a reasonable price to various media platforms.
Side Note: Hit me up for copies for Papa Roma’s birthday dance performance.
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