Ah love. Sweet, sweet love. In the air, waiting to ambush you at any moment. I, in particular, have the fortunate deposition of being both romantic & realistic. The former affords me the opportunity to appreciate the beauty of relationships, while the latter prompts me to make cheap jokes at the very idea of it.
We’ve all been in relationships, or have at least served as a witness to the relationships of others. Some good, some bad, & and some just plain creepy. I come to you proudly to say that I have managed to compile a list of the 6 most annoying couples I’ve ever met. Shall we?
1. THE ‘IN DENIAL’ COUPLE
This is the couple who’s not a couple. Both participants are always denying that they’re in a relationship. I don’t know who they’re trying to deceive. Maybe back in secondary school, that ish would have been cute. Nobody wanted their matter to be the main gist of the class. BUT YOU’RE ADULTS NOW! ACT LIKE IT! If you want to lie, at least put in effort to back up the lie. You’re ALWAYS wearing matching outfits, promise rings, she’s sleeping over at your house, you’ve met her parents, and then there’s the low-key PDA. It’s like they get off on the secrecy of the whole affair. And the annoying thing is WE ALL KNOW THAT YOU’RE IN A RELATIONSHIP AND WE DON’T GIVE A DAMN! Like seriously, this is how you guys will keep playing and someone will make a move on your boo. You’ll get your socks in a bunch but you wouldn’t be able to say anything because why? ‘We’re not in a relationship’. SMH
2. THE ‘CUDDLE BUDDY’ COUPLE
Overly affectionate, downright irritating. This kind of couple frankly tickles my gag reflex. Not because I’m envious, I’m a staunch supporter of PDA, it’s adorable. The problem is, they take theirs to another level. Blatantly wilding in inappropriate places at inappropriate times. We’re having a meeting and you’re so hell bent on sticking your tongue down your girlfriend’s throat that you don’t even notice the dirty looks the moderators are giving you. And because we came together, I am now indirectly associated with your foolishness. God help you if we get kicked out because of your shenanigans. That tongue will serve as the centerpiece of my assorted meat pepper soup. Oh! And it doesn’t stop there! They won’t rest until they’ve come up with the most random, nonsensical nicknames for each other. ‘My Cute Butt Nugget’ ‘My Beloved Stinky Pinky’ Just keep using style to insult each other.
3. THE PERFECT COUPLE
This is the couple that prompted the creation of the phrase ‘God When?’ Now this couple I can openly be envious of. Aren’t we all? They’re the total package. It’s like God just placed them in our lives to test our faith. How can both participants be good-looking, rich, fit and great at almost everything? On top of that, most times you can’t even hate them because they have such great personalities! I was going to keep this light and funny, but for this one, just let me vex a little abeg. My self esteem will not abide such perfection. How dare you? I will be on my own o, happily eating noodles in my house, hair net and all, and I’ll get an update showing you and your finance looking glamorous AT THE GYM! ON A SUNDAY! AT 4PM! ARE YOU MAD?! One of you must have issues o. If not, I will create some for you. What’s life without a little suffering?
4. THE SOCIAL MEDIA COUPLE
If it isn’t documented, it doesn’t count. These are the people responsible for all those stupid duck face kissy selfies that flood your feed on social media. You hardly see them in person, but that doesn’t mean that they don’t get around. The majority of their relationship is carried out over the Internet. SISTER, I DO NOT GIVE A FLYING CHICKEN WHAT YOUR BOYFRIEND ATE FOR LUNCH! Chai, these people almost made me swear. The devil is always waiting to trip you #ChildofGod #wewillneverfall. You know what just occurred to me? These guys probably get turned on by hashtags and retweets. I had the absolute misfortune of accidently stumbling onto a random post where I witnessed the beginning of what can only be described as dirty talk. Exhibit A:
HIM: I love you
HER: I love you too baby
HIM: How much? How much do you love me?
HER: MORE THAN MY SNAPCHAT FILTERS
HIM: Oh damn baby, you drive me crazy
HER: SAY MY USERNAME! SAY IT!!
…………………….. *Gets Anointing Oil*
5. THE MISMATCHED COUPLE
This is kind of ironic since I ranted about the ‘Perfect Couple’, but I cant exclude this category. You will always get that one couple where one person is way more attractive or engaging than the other person. Chances are people only want to spend time with the charming half, but since we understand that the both of you come solely as a package deal, we make the sacrifice. This couple can be annoying to different people for different reasons. For me, during the period when I felt the least attractive, this couple gave me hope. Hope that there was an Idris Elba lookalike out there waiting to claim my love……Hope is cruel sha. The way we deceive ourselves. I was young, naive, I didn’t know any better…..We’ll leave it at that. For others, whenever they see this couple, they tend to think along the lines of ‘Why are you not with me instead?’ I can empathise. You’re there, slay queen, casually flaunting your talents and looking to hook that magnet, but mandem is happily playing Ludo in the corner with his boo. It pains sha, but what can we do? Love makes no sense.
6. THE ‘JOINED AT THE HIP’ COUPLE
These two might as well be twins because they are always (and I do mean ALWAYS) together. The ‘No, you hang up first’ gang. You know that one friend you have that you don’t like inviting to a girl’s night because the next thing you’ll hear is ‘Can I bring Victor?’ Excuse me, does Victor have a uterus? Dey ask Jamb question anyhow mtcheww. Even when you do manage to drag her out, the whole night she’ll alternate between bragging about how awesome her boo is & how she hates being away from him. SISTER, HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO PROCEED WITH OUR ‘MEN ARE SCUM’ AGENDA IF YOU KEEP EXTOLLING THE VIRTUES OF VICTOR?! KNOW YOUR PRIORITIES!! I think it’s worse when you invite the both of them out, because they end up just being plain anti-social, only focusing on each other throughout the gathering. BETTER GO HOME. DON’T ALLOW ME TO VEX FOR YOU.
That being said, Love is a beautiful thing. So treasure your other half.
THANKS FOR READING!!
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