Which Are You? Male Edition

I recently put up a poll on social media where I asked people to choose which one of 4 suggested topics they would like to see me cover for my next post. This topic ranked the 1st, with an overwhelming number of female votes; it shocked even me. Wasn’t expecting that big of a response (I love you guys). Some of my friends just really wanted me to utilise my mediocre roasting skills. What can I say? I aim to please. The other topics will be covered in future posts. Stay tuned.

Before we start, let me just say that every guy is amazing in his own way, this post is all in good fun and is not to be taken seriously (most of it anyway). If you still end up getting triggered, take it up with your therapist. Let’s Begin!

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1. THE PLAYER

You should have known we would start with this one. The cause of so much strife and heartache. These guys are to blame for the ‘Men are Scum’ movement. We depsise them, but most times, all they need is just a line to get through our defenses. ‘I’m just looking for that special girl to understand me’ ‘I’m afraid of getting hurt, that’s why I push you away’ This is when the mumu part of our brain starts dancing, on my part a very weird awilo dance. Try to avoid such situations as much as possible. We all have our experiences. Mine have showed me that there are 2 main types:

A. The Originals: These guys were born this way. They can’t help themselves. They probably laid moves on the midwife while they were being delivered. It’s a disease, and what’s worse? It’s genetic. I REPEAT, IT CAN BE PASSED DOWN! They actually offer tests now at hospitals so check your men as soon as possible. Early detection can halt the disease. Stay safe.

B. The Hybrids: These poor souls were once good boys, sweet boys that had the absolute misfortune of placing their hearts and wallets in the hands of a vixen (usually a Chioma or Caro). Now armed with a broken heart, they are then reborn as the beloved demons we know today. Their mission? To traumatise as many women as possible and to also spread their #KnowYourWorthKings ministry. Can’t blame them really.


2. THE GOOD GUY

Oh Lord, the good guy. We all know the good guy. Sometimes shy, adorable, son of the choir master at your church, overachiever with good grades and perfect manners. He’s great, caring and always loving. And by loving, I mean he’s in love with you. This guy normally takes the no. 1 spot on the friendzone list. Don’t look at me like that. Because we see most of these guys as brothers, they believe that ‘Good Guys Finish Last’. Mr Man? You may be right. Women can be weird, I know, but you’re also partly to blame. You see all those randoms we dated? They all have one thing in common: THEY MADE A MOVE! Have a little confidence na. Put some bass in your voice & lift your head up. I know what your scalp looks like more than your face. HOW ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO CARRY LAST WHEN WE AREN’T EVEN AWARE THAT YOU’RE RUNNING?! Having said that, sometimes you hit on us and we still reject you. We’re sorry. Forgive us. Our bad.


3. THE NON-EXISTENT

You know that guy that you fantasise about a lot because he’s so perfect? No flaws, no drama, all boxes ticked, plus he has a body blessed by the gods and conveniently, he’s hopelessly in love with you? That’s because he’s FICTIONAL. Those male characters we all have crushes on in movies, series, anime, books, manga, comics, you name it. Notice I used the word HAVE not HAD. Don’t lie to yourself, all those sites you bookmarked, all the pictures you downloaded, the YouTube edits you saved, the racy daydreams….WE KNOW. Once, I went to watch Aquaman with a couple of friends and we quickly got into an argument as soon as we saw the submarine scene because each of us started laying claims. Not on the actor himself Jason Mamoa, although he’s a treasure. On AQUAMAN. Jason Mamoa is cute and all that, but he’s not The King of The Seven Seas. Long story short, I have him to myself Tuesdays and Fridays. Anyway, like I said, fictional. So we have to make due with what Our Good Lord has given us. Question: If you’re cosying up to Aquaman in your mind while with bae, does that count as cheating?


4. THE CREEP

I mean, the name says it all. It could be a literal creep. Those guys that send you weird or disgusting messages and DMs, the ones that take pleasure in stalking you, those old men that low key sexually harrass you….yeah them. Or someone you’re just repulsed by. A good example of this would be a Silent Hunk. A silent hunk is a very attractive guy that you may be crushing on, but as soon as he opens his mouth, the crush dies and is instantly replaced by fear, disgust, disappointment, irritation, amusement or a combination of all them. Could be that he has a weird voice that doesn’t match his body (I’m talking Mariah Carey High), lacks humour, is prone to stupid or downright rude remarks or he’s just really weird. Either way, you’re creeped out and you do everything in your power to avoid associating with him further. But most times, they never seem to take the hint and try to stick to you like gorilla snot (My naturals, get in here), which creeps you out even further. Viscous cycle. This is why I up my Anti-Creep Anointing at church every Sunday without fail. There’s nothing Our Lord can’t do.


5. THE PARTY DUDE

He’s either throwing the party or getting thrown out of the party. That guy that your parents used to warn you that you could end up as if you didn’t take your studies seriously. And he has a particular vice…I’ll try to censor this, so read between the lines. His eyes are always RED. Not trying not to be BLUNT, but he’s always in HIGH spirits. Favourite colour? GREEN. Favourite time period? STONE age. You usually catch him smiling and staring at nothing most of the time. Even while at a party, he’s already trying to score links for the next hookup. He’s the guy that always gingering to switch up locations. It’s a talent frankly. One man, 21 locations. Legend. All the bouncers and club managers know him by name. He can get a little heated if you try to cut the night short or would like to head home because, ‘Who does that? Only a Lame Ass’.Like peer pressure still works at our age. Of all people I should prove my awesomeness to, it’s you? Bros please, I’d rather be a lame ass than be sleep deprived #WEMOVE


6. THE CHEAPSKATE

Has the latest info on all promos and discounts. Doesn’t do group hangouts because everyone has to pay for their own long throat. Would rather walk 3 miles to another store to buy a pack of toilet paper that’s 40 naira cheaper than the one at the mall. His clothes and accessories are held together by ducktape and hope. A better haggler than you at the market (Very useful, I stan). Never uses the AC in his house to reduce his NEPA bill (WHY GET THE AC IN THE 1ST PLACE?!). You know the milk carton? He pours half of it into a container to freeze for later and then mixes the remaining milk with water to use frugally for a month. Toothpaste? White man rubbish. Embrace your roots with charcoal and chewing stick. Chicken? Ha! He’s a certified pigeon catcher. His freezer is always stocked. Cars? More people should become eco-friendly and embrace bicycles. School fees? ‘I DIDN’T GO TO SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE! DONT STRESS ME WOMAN!’


7. THE DRAMA QUEEN

Overly emotional and sensitive. You have to plead The Blood of Jesus before you approach delicate subjects with him. If you don’t call him? Wahala. If you don’t tell him eight times a day how important he is to you? Double wahala. Just get ready to see paragraph upon paragraph waiting for you via text (We never read it). He can even carry the matter to social media and engage in passive aggressive posts about how ‘You never know what you have till you lose it’. Anyone that tries this rubbish this year should blocked. Respect yourselves. God forbid that you don’t share his opinions, dreams and ambitions. I want to say this with love, just to put this out there. This your Nollywood drama? This overreacting behaviour? I speak on behalf of girls everywhere when I say we don’t send. If you cross the line, I will let you rant in peace, then I’ll drop the call, block and delete your ass because I value my sanity. You can not & WILL NOT stress my life. On the plus side, they always say that there’s someone out there for everyone, so maybe there’s a girl out there that won’t poison you. Which one is that if she doesn’t consistenly stir your coffee 4 times counter-clockwise, you’ll lose your shit. LOSE IT. LOSE IT PLEASE.


8. THE FITNESS JUNKY

These guys are awesome. Shoutout to my gym freaks, much love. But I will still yab you. It’s only fair. You live & will die in the gym. These are Guy men. In pain? Walk it off. Six days a week, minimum 3 hours a day hun. Their idea of a hangout is a fast walk through town. Why not love and burn calories at the same time? Let’s start the with clothes: Anything baggy is out. Mandem must always show gains. Singlets and tank tops are favourable. The most confident go for crop tops (STOP IT). These are usually paired with ‘They’re squeezing my nuts’ leggings because can you call yourself a man if you skip leg day? Constantly flexing and posing. Their favourite stances? Lifting up their shirt to show you their six pack. Spreading their legs on the bench press just to flex their biceps. You’re not slick Uncle. We know what you’re doing. But we’re not complaining sha. Keep on with the good work. MOTIVATE US. INTIMIDATE US!!


9. THE GAMER

There is no game or console this guy doesn’t have in his house. He has surpasses every level of evey game he’s ever okayed, he creates his own cheat codes, has a YouTube gaming channel and a whole room dedicated to his babies. You know those times where your man or guy friend ditches you for the day because something came up? He told you it was business and you thought he was lying or cheating on you? Well he didn’t lie. It is business. Important business. This Gaming Don messaged him to let him know that the PS5 console is now installed in his house with the latest FIFA game. I don’t know which is worse, blowing me off to see another girl or blowing me off to spend quality time with Rooney and Messi in high definition with SNACKS!!……Number 2. Definitely number 2. Never ask him to choose between you and his games to avoid stories that touch.


That being said, there are a lot of types I left out, so if you would like me to do a Part 2 of this post, do let me know in the comments section below or via social media!


THANKS FOR READING!!

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