So we managed, just about managed, to slightly roast our beloved male readers in our last post. However, because I’m such a stickler for equality, it’s our turn next ladies. Again, I would like to point out that this post is all in good fun, not to be taken seriously and all females are a blessing. That being said, I’m planning to take ownership over any traits that may apply to me. I suggest that you do the same. Let’s prove the guys wrong. *Sigh* Okay, let’s get this over with.
1. THE BEAUTY QUEEN
Our original barbie girl. The reigning fashionista. She started her beauty regime right from the cradle. Always on point, makeup on fleek, fabulous accessories. This girl kinda reminds me of Sharpay from High School Musical. The girl I would like to be, but laziness prevents me from reaching. We all had this friend in school. She didn’t wear those ugly flat loafers our parents bought for us, she wore wedges. She didn’t use baby oil to line her lips like the rest of us basic Bs, she had her own brand gloss that we used to line up to use. She didn’t even have a school bag! She had a purse, with 1 pencil case, containing one pencil……..EYELINER! You can never catch her unfresh. Sis doesn’t even sweat at the gym because she has a body slave holding a rechargeable fan at all times. GOALS. TEACH ME YOUR WAYS.
2. THE CRYBABY
*cough* ME. These girls are quite sensitive. Like the name implies, we’re babies so be gentle with us or we’ll cry……and you won’t like to see us cry. It’s not gonna be a cute, movie scene ‘One tear drips down my cheek’ cry. It’ll be a wonderful, red faced, snot dripping, hiccupping, ‘clutching at my chest like Olu Jacobs’ cry. I would rate myself as a Grade C crybaby. We wait till we’re alone or in a private space before we start the waterworks. Grade B crybabies will let loose then & there. That’s why they’re always carrying loads of tissues or handkerchiefs. Grade A? RUN. Every deep thought & emotion is constantly being updated on social media. Every post features at least 1 backstabbing friend. Her daily diary entries are at least 3 pages long. I feel bad for saying this, but heartbreak suits this grade of crybabies. Just look at The Weekend #ifyouknowyouknow
3. THE DRAMA QUEEN
Usually dubbed ‘The Razz Girl’. I’ve said this before in the last post and I’ll say it again. NO ONE HAS TIME FOR YOUR ISH! Guys especially. They value their peace of mind. This kind of girl will tell you ‘Don’t do things that’ll make me crazy’. Sister, you’re already crazy, you don’t need my help. Always overreacting & exaggerating everything. If she broke a nail, we’d be holding a funeral procession the next day. You go to an event with her & she flips out because the usher serves her food with a spoon and not a fork/knife combo. ‘A spoon? A SPOON? REALLY? Do I look like a toddler to you? What kind of insult is this?! So you’re implying that I’m not mature enough to handle a fork & knife abi?!’ If I was the usher, I would have gone full out petty. I would have politely taken the food away & left her with the spoon for an hour so that she can argue in peace with her stomach. I would have then returned with the food, plus the knife & fork, minus the meat. Nonsense.
4. THE BEST-FRIEND
Aka The Cool Girl. This girl’s catchphrase is ‘I’m not like other girls’. She doesn’t care about her looks, is into sports, think herself funny, isn’t afraid to get down and rough with the boys. The problem with this is that most times, males love to hangout with her, but would hardly consider dating her because she’s ‘One of the guys’. Even your crush might turn out to have this ‘best friend’ (Is he mad or just mad?) He naively thinks of her as just a friend, but girls, we know the truth. WE KNOW. She just dey use style to get close to him so that they can hopefully get that bump & grind on. Gives him cute nicknames and gets away with excessive & unnecessary skin contact. Why? To show you how ‘close’ they are. ‘I’m going through a lot right now & Ade is the only one who understands me’. Aunty, biko, stop pretending, we know your game. You’re armed, horny and dangerous.
5. THE SHAKARA AUNTY
Sis, nothing in this world is good enough for you. ‘If you can’t handle me, vacate my space’. If you like, keep squeezing face there. You know, a lot of guys incorrectly assume that most girls come under this category, which is frankly insulting. If a girl plays hard to get, that’s not Shakara okay? That girl is interested in you and is taking her time to feel you out. TRUE SHAKARA is when a girl assumes that she is worth so much more than you or what you’re giving her, thus driving up her self estimation to a point where she’s barely satisfied with one thing before she goes off on another. Her behaviour could border on rudeness or be downright disrespectful. For example:
‘Your sister asked me to help her cook lunch. What does she take me for, a maid?!’
‘He asked for my number while driving a dung beetle. The audacity! Does he think that’s my spec?!’
‘You want what? Head? HEAD?! DO I LOOK CHEAP TO YOU?! GET YOUR OTHER GIRLS TO DO IT!’
The sad thing is that this girl is usually very attractive, which is what draws men to her. But she turns petty as F once she feels she’s been crossed. That’s when she’ll start pushing the ‘Only Queens Know How To Treat Themselves’ propaganda. To all the guys sprouting gray hairs chasing this girl, douse her with holy oil, sprinkle charcoal over your head & throw her back into the dating pool #knowyourworthkings.
6. THE SUBTLE HURRICANE
This girl is the physical embodiment of the saying ‘Wife in the Streets, Freak in the Sheets’. Her initial impression? Sweet, virginal, innocent. Her dress style is conservative because ‘Only my beloved will see my body’. Puts forth a subdued or mild personality when in public. That’s how you’ll carry yourself to her house and all hell will break loose. Caroline will switch to Caro, Christina will be reincarnated as Christie and Cecelia will become Cee-Cee. It’s like her inner thot awakens. Suddenly the head scarf is replaced by an ash blond wig, the Mary Amaka skirt flips open to reveal a matching garter belt and stockings. Even her speech pattern and attitude switches from that of Biblical Ruth to that of Cookie from Empire. Her phone that she’s always hiding from you? The drive is filthy, with a capital F. E go shock you. You come, collect and leave her house feeling so confused and a little violated. You’re there pulling the torn sections of your shirt together, asking yourself what happened. ‘Did I take HER or did SHE take ME?’ Oga, you were taken. Scratch that, you were TOOKEN. My condolences.
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