Sibling relationships are one of a kind. It’s this special blend of ‘I love you’ mixed with ‘I go still deny you outside’ with just a touch of ‘You must be mad. Try me and die’. I’m sure at some point we all debated the pros and cons of being an only child. But even after careful thought, I don’t think I would give up the fun, madness and drama that comes with having siblings. We have different types of course, and I feel they vary according to birth rank. However, this post is dedicated to The All-stars, The Baddest of The Bad. Try and be honest with yourself about your position in your family, okay?
1. THE THIRD PARENT
This is usually the first born. It’s not their fault. They didn’t choose this. While the rest of you were off playing Chaser, they had to sit for lectures from their parents about the etiquette expected and responsibilities of the first born. That they are supposed to set examples for their younger siblings to emulate (How do you set examples for demons, I ask you? Will they listen? The only person I know they listened to was Jesus. Do I look like Jesus?!). So, as a result of this, this child has no choice but to transform into the model child, the exemplary one that always agrees with the parents when it comes to points in your upbringing. They can be overprotective, a bit nosey & sometimes just plain annoying because they tend to act like a know-it-all. Please stop this mistreatment #savethefirstborns. Everyone should set their own example abeg. Na me born you? I want to learn as well.
2. THE SNITCH
You know that sibling that you feel you can talk to about anything because not only do they listen & give sound advice, but possess a degree in minding their business? THIS IS NOT THAT SIBLING. I REPEAT, DO NOT TRUST THIS SIBLING! Forget all that rubbish they show you on oyibo shows. Do not reveal anything to this sibling, especially in a moment of weakness. Don’t even let them catch you doing anything because bribes don’t work (It only awakens their blackmailing tendencies). This spawn of Adam is a loudspeaker who only knows how to add fuel to the fire. Your dad is beating you for stealing meat from the cooking pot (Classic. Can you even call yourself a Nigerian if this hasn’t happened to you?) & your silly sibling chooses that moment to add, ‘Daddy, I saw Bola take a boy up to her room yesterday’…………..I don’t need to tell you what happened next. Bola, you’ll be sorely missed. Burial arrangements pending.
3. THE ‘NOT GUILTY’ SIBLING
We all low-key despise this sibling. They never, NEVER, EVER!…..get in trouble. Make I add another never because this thing dey pain me……NEVER!! Now some people could argue that this sibling is the first born because they’re the eldest & the most responsible ones. Others could say it’s the last born because they’re the babies of the house & they know no better. THIS DOES NOT MATTER! COMRADES! LET US FORGET THESE TECHNICALITIES AND BAND TOGETHER TO DEAL WITH THIS SIBLING! Bring an end to this injustice. This second spawn of Adam has broken the 1st rule of siblinghood: EVERYONE MUST CHOP BEATING! HOW CAN I RECEIVE PUNISHMENT FOR SOMETHING YOU DID? ARE YOU POSSESSED?! *deep breath* Let me just say my own. The next time, the very next time I chop beating on your behalf, you see that Mama Julie’s Rottweiler? Na him go drop you for school. I hope he bites you too. Nonsense.
4. THE BLACK SHEEP
Basically the bad child. The rebel. That one sibling that cane refuses to correct. They’re so used to breaking the rules that parents just give up on disciplining them. Again, I blame this behaviour on oyibo shows because I’m yet to meet a child in which the combined efforts of koboko, military school and church deliverance has failed to yield results. My friend Kenneth used to form bad guy for us back in school. We were too scared to be around him because the guy lacked limits. 27 strokes of cane, this guy no dey flinch. All of a sudden, he gets expelled & is sent to military school. All it took was one slap, ONE! (I need to learn that technique. Insubordination will NOT be tolerated in my house) to flip him back to his default settings. Now, he’s an upstanding member of society. He even brings oranges for our pastor. Miracles happen.
5. THE BRAT
This is the last born. Don’t try to tell me otherwise. To all the last borns, I’m sorry but I must cast you. This sibling is usually spoilt, sometimes sharing the spot of ‘favourite’ child with the eldest child. Because of this, they like to throw tantrums if they don’t get what they want. Hei! *handclap* I’m just waiting for this one to happen with my future child. I’ll beat the black off your body. Trying to throw a tantrum because I fried your plantain into stripes not cubes. Nwa m, there will be 2 things involved: Either you eat this plantain peacefully or I’ll beat the living daylights out of you, you will cry & STILL eat this plantain. Either way, this plantain must disappear because it’s not my oil and time you’re about to waste. I did not kill my parents, so you won’t kill me. Spare the rod and spoil the child people.
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