It’s always euphoric when starting a new relationship. First kisses, First dates, that sort of thing. Sometimes it goes south all too quickly & you’re left heartbroken, doomed to start the whole cycle again. If you’re lucky, you find the right person after a couple gos on the merry-go-round. Unlucky? You’re stuck in the ride for so long that you end up becoming a permanent fixture. Either way, experience is gained, and that experience has taught us to recognise the 6 stages we may go through.
1. VIRTUAL COMMUNICATION
At this stage, you guys are basically strangers, but through some pull of fate, you enter into each other’s sphere. Maybe his friend tagged you in a post & he liked what he saw. Or your cousin took a picture with him & you decided he was going to be your new Ozband. So you go poking around his profile, he starts liking your pictures, one thing leads to another & before you know it, someone has dropped a message. This 1st message is very important, as it creates the 1st impression, so use your sense. Don’t sneak into my DMs just to compare my complexion to that of freshly pounded amala. I’ll block you so fast, your future children will get whiplash. Emojis dominate chats in this stage. Basic B’s will limit themselves to a few, but your true love will paint an entire picture for you with that ish. Nna, watch me impress you.
After texting boo boo constantly at random hours of the day & into the night, there comes the dilemma of who will call 1st, because eventually there’s only so much you can say via text & the desire to talk to the person becomes overwhelming. Personally, this stage makes me anxious. I like to call it Part 1 Of A Potential Game Over/PGO. Let me explain. You’ve been messaging this person for so long that you start to fantasise about what they would sound like. Then he finally calls & his voice disrupts that fantasy; like it fizzles and shrinks up like bacon in oil because he’s there sounding like the guy from the ‘Gerrara Here‘ advert. So thus, Game Over. Oh a good tip here: Be careful the voice/accent you decide to go with when you first call. BETTER STICK WITH IT O! Don’t come & start confusing people by sounding like Jidenna and ending with Osufia. I will report you to EFCC for fraud. Playing with someone’s emotions anyhow.
3. MEETING IN PERSON
Also known as Part 2 PGO. After successfully navigating the earlier minefield, now the both of you are happily calling each other almost everyday, talking absolute nonsense (Ah Love). However, you’re still not satisfied and would then like to take it to the next level: THE FIRST DATE (You people are never satisfied mtcheww). The 1st date is the physical representation of the first message you both sent each other. Each person wants to make a good impression.
GIRL: I need an outfit that says ‘Hoe of the highest wifeable quality’……..Playsuit with stripper heels it is.
GUY: I need something that says ‘Money is not an issue’……..Better get out my BMW Key Chain that I’ll throw down on the table once I arrive #chopmymoney
First dates can be awkward. It’s normal, you’re both trying to get a feel of each other. If it remains awkward however, Game Over. If it doesn’t, Congratulations! You get to move on to the next level.
Welcome to your newly unlocked level!! Bonuses include gifts, kisses, holding hands & the devil’s tango (Cue Sexy Music). This stage is mostly devoted to the lovey-dovey, cutesy stuff that all couples do. Opening doors, matching outfits, couple selfies. It’s all fluff here, over-romantising everything. ‘Baby, I love the way you pop my pimples. E dey sweet me die‘ You can’t wait to attend events to show off your new boo AKA Love of my Life AKA The Davido to my Chioma. Oh Lord, I forgot the nicknames. Those nicknames you give each other that only you two think is cute. The same nicknames he’s told you not to call him when his guys are around. ‘My Cuddle Wobble Little Bobby Poo’ I pity anyone that tries to pull this type of rubbish on me. You no see better name to give me. Also in this level, you unlock the option of labels. He/She is no longer ‘That Guy/Girl I’m Hanging Out With’. He/She is now your Boyfriend/Girlfriend, so better respect yourself and introduce him/her with their full title when in public. They’ve earned the right.
5. REALITY CHECK
Part 3 PGO. At some point, the fluff starts to wear off & real life kicks in. This is where you start to notice character flaws or uncertain behaviour that may put you off the relationship entirely. It starts small and then escalates. You find out she can be a little vain. You find out his car actually belongs to a friend. You discover she has a temper. You discover he’s messy. She’s controlling. He has trust issues. And so on and so forth. It’s usually at this stage that arguments set in & you hear things like ‘What’s the password to your phone?’ ‘Tell me your Card pin’ Let me just say, I must really love you a lot if I even give you my ATM card to HOLD, talk more of my pin. GOD HELP YOU THAT YOU TELL ME YOU HAVE TRUST ISSUES AFTER I OPEN MY BANK ACCOUNT TO YOU! God doesn’t condone murder, but I’m sure sacrifices are okay #oldtestamentvibes. It’s important to compromise & emphatise with each other at this stage because all those problems and resentment could lead to a Game Over.
Welcome to Stage 1 of the rest of your life!! (Hopefully). Congratulations on reaching this top tier level. Many other candidates failed, but you stuck it through. At this point, you guys are so comfortable with each other that you’re almost like an old married couple. So what if you haven’t shaved in a week or if he farts in bed or if you’ve worn the same dress 3 times in a row whenever you guys head out? Doesn’t matter, the both of you are now operating as a single unit. You’re even picking out bedspreads and discussing how to reduce the NEPA bill. It’s no longer ‘My House’ anymore, it’s now ‘Our Place’. Your parents and relatives are just low-key waiting for the date to drop so that they can shaku shaku their way into your wedding reception with the latest aso-ebi styles. We congratulate you in advance. Basically anything after this stage should lead to rings, long term commitment or the like. If it doesn’t, dry your tears, cut your losses and try to push forward hun #wemove
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