Nigerians & Trust Issues

To my fellow Nigerians out there, I would like to say that I understand. The World has done us dirty. Certain experiences have left us scarred and skeptical, sometimes unable to see the good in people or situations. You’re justified. You know those people who are always telling you to open up your heart? That what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger? Na scam. Original one. So I should be ecstatic about pain because it promotes growth? Just imagine. Once Bitten, Twice Shy would be a better motto biko. Hopefully this post should be able to enlighten you on regular steps we subconsciously take for our protection, because Wayo is a serious problem in this country.

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1. LOCKING YOUR CAR WITH THE REMOTE LOCK, THEN TUGGING AT THE DOOR HANDLES

Why do we do this? To make sure that the car is truly locked. Why not just trust in the remote lock? Because whoever made that lock didn’t factor in the ingenuity of Nigerians. Anyone who denies doing this has either never had a romantic rendezvous with robbers or has thoroughly repressed the memory of that traumatic incident. Imagine driving to the mall (ANY MALL WEY GET SECURITY SEF) You’ll click the lock with ginger, like how they do it in action movies, and walk away coolly. You then return only to find out that they’ve not only jacked your car, but even the stretch of asphalt the car was resting on. At least back in the good old days, thieves were chivalrous. They would leave an apology note detailing the circumstances leading to why they had to take your car. Nowadays, nobody sends. They’ll even insult you on top. ‘You still dey drive beetle for this day and age. You no get shame. Your Fada’. As for me and my household, we will tug until we can’t tug no more. I can’t wait to teach my future children my tugging technique.


2. EYEING CASHIERS AS THEY SCAN & BAG YOUR GROCERIES

Oh Lord, those hands. Better watch those hands o. Like I said, no one can be trusted. Especially not the cashiers that seem very enthusiastic about their jobs. Aunty, why so happy? What’s tickling your collarbone? I’m already on edge because I just spent 5 mins of my life calculating the running total of the items in my basket mentally. Then you’ll start smiling and chatting with me in lame attempt to make me forget that total so that when you call price of N2350 instead of N2300, I won’t argue. Sister, Che. Hold it. First of all, you must think I’m stupid. N50 from where? Lollipop? Lollipop ke? DO I LOOK LIKE I DROVE 20MINS TO THIS PLACE JUST TO WASTE MY MONEY ON LOLLIPOP? It’s not even a reasonable flavour sef! WATERMELON! WHO WOULD BUY A WATERMELON LOLLIPOP?! STOP LAUGHING MADAM! WHO IS LAUGHING WITH YOU?! Please, in fact, don’t worry. I’ll pack it myself.


3. PEOPLE WHO ADD STEW TO JELLOF RICE

This is the height of mistrust. This one I will never understand. It’s Jellof. JELLOF. It basically has in-built stew. People like to justify this behaviour by saying ‘I just like to add to the flavour’. Why’re you lying? Be honest with yourself. This behaviour stems from that unfortunate trip you took to Mama Nneka’s stall one lovely Wednesday morning. You asked for the special of the day and she rewarded you with an ungodly abomination she tried to pass off as Jellof. So in an attempt to suppress that demonic entity and make the food edible, just so that you know you didn’t spend your money in vain, you ask her for red stew. You then proceed to baptise the abomination, and you discover that the evil has been exorcised. However, due to this experience, you can never eat bare Jellof again. Your palate is too delicate. You do it at weddings, birthday parties, even at home when you think your girlfriend isn’t watching. Do you feel proud of yourself?


4. WHEN YOU COUNT CASH DISPENSED FROM AN ATM MACHINE

This is me. I don’t care how long I have to stand there. I don’t care how efficient the machines are or how fresh the bank notes are. If you like, keep giving me dirty looks or tapping your foot impatiently. We don’t play with what? Our Money. As long as that machine is in Naija, it is not to be trusted. Yes, machines are capable of absorbing the Wayo spirit too. Tell me why a German ATM model will be using Igbo to tell me to insert my card (You think you can use me to shine?) That kind of machine will just swallow your card and debit you on top of the matter. Using ATMs in Nigeria is like an intense game of Russian Roulette. You’ll be asking yourself if this is it, if this is that one machine that’s about to mess up your day because it’s taken such a liking to your card that it refuses to release it. Before you start thinking I’m paranoid, ask yourself: Who installed the machines? Nigerians. Who run the banks the ATMs belong to? Nigerians. Who feed the machines with cash daily for customer withdrawals? NIGERIANS. That’s 3 counts of Wayo. One can be prosecuted for such.


5. COVERING YOURSELF WITH THE BLOOD OF JESUS WHEN MEETING PEOPLE

We have our African mothers to thank for this and I support their ministry. Frankly, one can never accurately read another person’s motive. Some carry malicious or harmful intent and negative energy can be transferred so easily. For some reason, this particular point mostly comes into play when meeting long lost relatives or acquaintances. For example, you visit your village and you get introduced to the brother of your grandmother’s sister’s niece…..I kid you not. This relative then proceeds to touch every part of your body they can reach, all in the name of greeting. I’m talking hands, cheeks, head, back, I’ve even had someone rub my knees. Excessive physical contact, you get the point. It is believed that these points of contact serve as the gateway through which Juju can pass through your body in order to affect and seal your destiny *cue Patience Ozokwor laugh* But this black magic doesn’t work on us because why? We’re covered by The Blood of Jesus fam. Stay in church #childofGod


6. SOMEONE OFFERING YOU SOMETHING FOR FREE

The word ‘FREE’ doesn’t exist in the Nigerian vocabulary. Look it up. Our ancestors never heard of such rubbish. You instantly put your guard up when someone randomly asks to help you out. Like if I trip and spill the contents of my purse on the ground. All of a sudden, there’re like 2 people trying to help me pick up my stuff. My mind and heart will start shaking anyhow, signalling to me that something is seriously wrong. You want to help me? Why? Why, I ask you? I’m good. Thank you, I totally meant to do that. The floor just looked super comfortable. They’ll then hit you with the ‘Oh we’re just trying to help’ line. KEEP YOUR HELP TO YOURSELF! NA BY FORCE?! Like you expect me to believe you just want to help me push my cart without compensation? Even worse, when someone offers you a free ride. There would be 2 things involved: Kidnapping or Ritual. Sir, my legs are fine and my undergarments will take no part in your Kanayo O Kanayo Roleplay. Leave before I forsake my home training & cuss you out. Forget you ever saw or spoke to me.


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