In the words of Chucky, would you like to play a game? It’s a very simple one. For every item I list in this post, give yourself a point if you’ve ever taken it without the owner’s permission, consent or knowledge. Try and defend your innocence to the last. And May The Odds Be Ever In Your Favour.
On a side note, if you’ve ever seen someone take something & you never said anything, you’re already a certified associate thief, so this game doesn’t apply to you. Happy Counting Everyone!
1. MEAT FROM THE COOKING POT
Just give yourself a point. If you argue too much, I’ll slap your mouth. This is such a common occurrence that children even sing playground songs about it (Who Stole The Meat From The Cooking Pot? 🎵). This is where a lot of us began our James Bond training. Actually, James Bond’s job was easier. All he had to do was avoid bullets. We, on the other hand, had to sneak into the kitchen, avoiding detection from our mothers and siblings (blackmailers & snitches alike), & stealthily replace the pot lid in the same position, all without making a sound. High risks reap great rewards.
2. YOUR SIBLING’S BELONGINGS
Why is it that other people’s stuff are so much nicer than our own? Give yourself a point. No? Seriously? So you’re trying to tell me you never touched your brother’s/sister’s perfume, clothes, body cream, bags, shoes, makeup or electronic devices? Good, I thought so. Shoutout to our petty little thieves that even extend to stealing their siblings food. A couple spoonfuls of rice, a few cubes of sugar, you’ll even steal the milk from their cereal. Keep on. Thunder is being reserved for you in heaven.
Even full grown adults do this. It starts from primary school sef. There’s no person that can say that they always went home with the same biro they took to school. Even scratching your name on the pen does nothing, it’ll still miss. And when you do find it, it’ll be in the most random of places I.e the staff bathroom. You still want to deny yourself? Okay, let me ask you: Have you ever gone to an office or a bank, borrowed a pen & ‘forgot’ to give it back because you thought you might need it later on?……..Why so silent? Talk na. Prove me wrong.
4. MONEY FROM YOUR PARENTS
From those who gas up their school expenses to those who go for the old fashioned approach of stealing from their parent’s wallet, give yourself a point. I understand. If one can’t steal from their own parents, who can they steal from? Our mum’s purse/dad’s bag was a magical place where we would expect to find a stray N5000 bundle that we thought they wouldn’t miss. Even when they do notice it’s gone, what’s the first rule of Olé? DENY, DENY, DENY. You go still chop beating for lying, but that N5000 is worth it. Ice cream chills on load.
5. YOUR BOYFRIEND’S CLOTHES
As a girl, I condone this. This doesn’t count as theft. When you entered into this relationship, you subconsciously comsented to the ‘What’s Yours Is Mine’ clause in our contract. So your hoodies, your shirts, even your belts are up for grabs. Your clothes are way more comfortable anyway. If you invite me over, better expect that I’m coming with a shopper’s bag. My t-shirt jacking skills would put that of Money Heist to shame. I like to think of myself as a collector. Expect me to open up a boutique soon called ‘Boo Unlimited’.
OKAY, NOW ADD UP YOUR POINTS LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!
1 – 3 POINTS: Amateur Thief. Upgrade your skills.
4 – 5 POINTS: Hushpuppi’s Mentor. Currently wanted in 18 countries.
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