You know sometimes a bit of nostalgia hits and I start reminiscing about the time I spent in secondary school. I could even go as far as saying that I miss the good old days. Things seemed simpler back then. But as with all things, reality hits and you also start to remember the weird experiences you had and the interesting people you met. Honestly, I don’t know how we all survived at all. So, I thought it would be nice to take a trip down memory lane to remind ourselves of the various characters we came across in secondary school.
1. THE PUNISHMENT GURU
This is the guy that was always chopping beating. During class, during assembly and especially during night prep. I was going to remain gender neutral, but let’s be honest: Guys were way more troublesome back then. Us girls, we hated pain and we feared the cane righteously. Those strokes weren’t worth the effort. As I was saying, there was no punishment that this guy didn’t receive. Infact, I think teachers drummed up new punishments daily just to deal with him. Didn’t matter though because he didn’t care #thuglife. Even during Valentine’s day, as a gift, he would opt to chop beating for his gf. If that doesn’t say love, I don’t know what does.
2. THE THIEF
Our young armed robber in training. You know that one person you would always hide your belongings from anytime they walked into class? Or you were afraid of lending them anything because you knew you would never see it again? That was this character right here. They were capable of even stealing your destiny if you let them. Their middle name? Olé. The petty thieves would content themselves with small steals: Pens, Math-sets, Dictionaries. The main MVPs would only focus on money. Your monthly allowance? Gone. Snack money? Taken. Even the money you set aside for Sunday offerings would be fair game. Life is short.
3. THE POSH ONE
This was that annoying person that liked to form that Nigeria was too small to contain their greatness. Forget their native language, English is their mother tongue. Their starter pack included a fake accent (preferably English or American in nature), excessive hand and facial movements. They were always taking about their experiences from their time abroad. ‘I don’t know why Nigeria doesn’t even have casinos! When I was in Las Vegas…..’ blah, blah, blah. Brother, calm down, you were in the US for 2 weeks only. Don’t let me slap the Americana from your soul. Rubbish.
4. THE CHEAT
The one that barely attended lessons but was always down to cheat in every test and exam. Sometimes, even in front of the examiner. True legends. They were always coming up with new innovative ways to cheat. Honorary mentions include expo hidden in school ties, socks, under bandages, along their shirt collar, even written on their shirt sleeves (Like I said, Legends). If their expo couldn’t help them, they would start disturbing you during the exam, whispering up and down like a mosquito. ‘Bola. Psst. BOLA! What’s the answer to question 2?’ Uncle, don’t disturb me. Just fail in peace. No harm in repeating the year.
5. THE OVERSABI
Ah, our resident encyclopedia. The ones that would go over & beyond, all for the sake of book. Teacher would give homework, they would complete it before the end of the day. Teacher would give assignment to ‘Read Chapter 3 of your textbook’, uncle/aunty will add CHAPTERS 4 – 7 to the mix. The one that used to sweet them pass was when a teacher made a mistake in class. They were always on the prowl, waiting for that slip-up so that they could showcase their superior knowledge. ‘Actually sir, the answer is 2.438 not 2.433’. Let me tell you, that one day when you finally chop slap, no one will defend you. Assistant teacher.
6. THE FOODIE
That OBO that dismantled any eatable thing in class. Their mouth was always moving. Long throat was always worrying them. They would pack most of their provisions into their bag to take to school for one lunch period. You don’t even want to know how much credit they owed the canteen lady. They were blacklisted from almost all the eating joints in school. When their provisions and spending money ran out, you would either find them in class, begging classmates for ‘Just A Taste’ of their snacks OR at the canteen, where they’re hustling for small change to buy food. Honestly, who no like better thing?
7. THE WALLFLOWER
This was that low-key person that always liked to sit in some obscure corner, usually at the back of the class. They were the quiet ones that really hated being called or drawing attention to themselves. Their shyness could border on being anti-social. They could even form sickness just to avoid being around people. Sometimes, one tended to forget about them altogether until some school or class event came up where numbers are needed. The only downside I saw in this student was, whenever you tried to interact with them, they always gave you this ‘Deer In Headlights’ look. Like ah ah, calm down na, I’m not going to eat you.
8. THE TRENDSETTER
The cool one. The president of the class. Top most comedian. Very popular. They changed hairstyles almost everyday. They revamped their school and boarding uniform to look almost cool (which is a talent, trust, especially when you remember how unappealing those uniforms could be). Everyone either envied them or wanted to be them. They basically set the trends of the school. God help you if this person yabbed you. Your future grandchildren would feel it. Sometimes sha, this student had a cute face but empty brain. But it didn’t matter, because at the end of the day, they were all about that drip game. One must always slay.
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