Ever come across a particular verse while reading your Bible that tickled your funny bone? Sometimes not in a ‘HA HA‘ kind of way, but in a ‘Lol, didn’t expect that‘ sort. Here are a few of my all time favourites.
1. Deuteronomy 25:11-12 – ‘If 2 men are fighting & the wife of one of them comes to his rescue by seizing the private parts of his opponent, cut off her hand and show her no mercy’. Sounds a bit harsh, but I guess a male’s genitals were a lot more sacred back then. Why cut it off though? So she wouldn’t be tempted to recount the graphic details of said genitals to the other females in the camp?
2. Proverbs 28:1 – ‘The wicked run when no one is chasing them’. This is exactly why I never go for a jog or a run. Far be it from me to disobey the sacred Word. Infact, I need to make this into a T-shirt, so that I have it at the ready the next time someone asks me to sin by running up a steep hill, all in the name of excercise.
3. Songs Of Solomon 4:2 – ‘Your teeth are like a flock of newly shaved sheep, freshly washed’. Sheep….Sheep….Aturu……Really? You couldn’t think of a better comparison? How bad were things back then that this could actually pass as a compliment? Next thing you know, they’ll be comparing your curves to those of camel humps. Romantic.
4. Proverbs 27:14 – ‘If you wake your friend in the early morning by shouting RISE & SHINE, it’ll sound to him more like a curse than a blessing’. I pity the unfortunate soul that would sneak into my room in the wee hours of the morning to try such tomfoolery. They must either be mad or suicidal. Rise & Shine indeed.
5. Psalms 137:9 – ‘Happy is the one who seizes your infants & dashes them against the rocks’. Happy ke? Okay, keep on doing you…….psychopath. I mean I know some people don’t like kids but damn. Live a little. It ain’t that deep. I think this is actually the most brutal verse I’ve ever seen in the book of Psalms.
6. Proverbs 31:6 – ‘Alcohol is for the dying & the miserable‘. So basically, if you ain’t dying or having a tough time, you’re out of luck. Bad news for the people who like getting sloshed on the regular. However, there seems to be a loophole. Just find a way to make yourself miserable constantly. That way, you’re not exactly sinning, you’re self medicating.
7. Deuteronomy 23:2 – ‘No one whose testicles or penis has been crushed or cut off may be admitted into the community of The Lord’. Again with the genitals! I’m starting to see a pattern here. Just imagine that the wife from earlier actually does succeed in crushing the opponent’s nuts. She gets her hand cut off, he gets ostracised and no one’s happy. So it might just be a better idea to leave out the genitals entirely.
8. Ezekiel 4:12-15 – ‘Very well, I’ll allow you cow’s dung in place of human excrement; bake your bread on that’. No thank you sir. If it’s all the same to you, I’d rather go for neither option. I know this verse is taken out of context, but I still don’t get. Why are you making it seem like you’re doing me a favour by allowing me to bake with cow dung? Is it more nutritious? If so, thanks but no thanks. I still choose death.
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