To qualify as a Disney Princess, there are some requirements that would need to be met. The ability to sing on que, to talk to animals, to be fashionably well kept at all times & to hunt for a man *cough* I mean, to find your one true love aka your prince charming. I think there are about 15 Disney Princesses in total, but I’m only going to touch briefly on a few of my favourites.
This girl get bravery sha. Super rich chick who falls in love with a THIEF……and a poor one at that. Then she proceeds to get on a juju carpet with said thief to have a romantic midnight ride (I never understood how they never fell off that thing. Just one unfortunate sharp turn would have been enough to turn the romance into a tragedy). Then she ends up MARRYING the thief & her dad says NOTHING!…….you no fit try am for an African household. Not unless you want your dad to open up ‘A Whole New World’ of ninja style beating on the both of you.
Belle……Sweet, Sweet Belle. Baby girl was so traumatised by a guy, who simply couldn’t handle being told NO, that she turned her interests to beastiality. Although, if I wanted to be mean, I could point out that out of all the beasts she could have chosen to fall for, it had to be the one with a bomb ass crib, banging library & a title to boot. (always secure the bag 1st ladies). And if that wasn’t bad enough, boo boo was always communing with cutlery & furniture. Two things might have been involved: Highness or Juju. Either option doesn’t bode well.
This girl right here takes naivety to a whole new level. Sister exchanged HER VOICE! AND HER WHOLE WAY OF LIFE! FOR A MAN! A man she knew nothing about other than the fact that he was handsome! What if he had been married? What if he had been a weirdo with anger management issues? Okay fine, you got legs in the bargain, but legs aren’t all that abeg. Why walk everywhere when you could swim (which is a lot faster)? Legs can get fat and unsightly. Show me a film where you ever saw a fat mermaid. You missed the ball on this one sis.
4. SNOW WHITE
Imagine meeting a girl and the 1st thing she tells you is: ‘I live with 7 guys……Oh no, it’s fine, it’s strictly platonic. Nothing’s happened yet’……….uh huh…..right. This aunty takes 2nd place in naivety competition because WHO THE F MEETS A CREEPY OLD WOMAN IN THE MIDDLE OF A FOREST & EATS AN APPLE OFFERED FREELY TO HER?! Honestly if this has been a Nollywood movie, aunty would have been dead within the 1st 5 mins, and she would have no one to blame but herself.
Miss Sleeping Beauty herself. All she did was sleep. If she wasn’t singing, she was sleeping. Imagine how stiff she must have been, waking up from her death sleep, after being in the same position for years. I want to feel sorry for her, but then I remembered that SHE DANCED BAREFOOT WITH A RANDOM STRANGER IN A FOREST! After she was warned not to! (What is it with Disney Princesses & forests abeg?) After that point, I was like ‘Whatever you see, Collect‘.
Housewife Of The Year. She cooks, she cleans, she talks to mice……….wait, what? Mice? MICE?! Actually ‘Mice’ sounds cute, let’s call them what they are: RATS! RATS EVERYWHERE! WHY?! Imagine rats following you wherever you go *shudders* God forbid. Then she goes and attracts the attention of a guy with a foot fetish! Speaking of feet, Glass Slippers? Really? What happens when her feet gets really sweaty from the dancing she apparently did all night? You’re telling me those slippers didn’t start to……slip? Frankly, baby girl was 2 wrong steps away from losing her feet permanently.
MY G! MY MAIN G! While some princesses were there chasing man, my girl here was busy SAVING CHINA! Sure she had a crush on General Chang (who she ended up marrying), but she didn’t let that distract her from her main goal of stopping The Huns & bringing honour to her family. Sister had sense! And for that, she will forever remain my favourite. My girl deserved so much better than the Disney Live Action Remake.
This chick’s in touch with everyone and everything. It wouldn’t even surprise me if I found out that she’s vegan. Always off on an adventure, couldn’t stay one place. She’s either canoeing over dangerous rapids or jumping off cliffs. Sis, no thank you. And then, to top it all off, she falls in love with & saves the life of a COLONISER, even after it results in the death of her fiance. And you then realize, THAT SAME COLONISER LEFT HER IN THE SEQUEL. SMH.
Miss Independent. Miss ‘Don’t Chyke Me, Can’t You See I’m Trying To Make Money?’ Hardworking. Her motto? Money Solves Everything (low key I agree, money solves a whole truckload of problems). But her love of money is what got her turned into a frog in the 1st place, so not a good moral for kids. Though I will applaud her for taking in a no-good, lazy ass prince & turning him into an emphatic, hardworking man, whom she then marries. Boss moves.
After all’s been said and done, I still love my princesses & the animations will always hold a special place in my heart.
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