Weddings are a whole other affair in Nigeria. And it wouldn’t be a Nigerian wedding if the following factors didn’t come into play.
It specifically says on the invite that the ‘Reception Starts at 1pm‘. What time do guests start arriving? 3 – 4pm. Everyone wants to be fashionably late. Even the wedding party itself will be late. I once went to a wedding where the bridal party arrived so late that the party Jellof rice had decongealed back to plain white rice & red stew. The only people that do come early are the caterers and the decorators. They don’t need anyone stressing their lives about being on time. Me, I come early to secure my parking space & a prime seat next to the buffet table. Priorities.
Who needs invitations? Everyone, infact anyone is invited. Forget plus 1s, we roll in with plus 5s baby. Sometimes the couple will try to stem the flow of people attending the reception by scaring them into believing that the wedding is by invite only. NA LIE. You go carry your invite, with your plus one, ready to receive a pat on the back from the bouncers at the entrance of the hall because you followed the rules, but they won’t even acknowledge you. You pass through and look back to see one alhaji arriving with his 4 wives and 7 children, and they get admitted without any problem. And yet people wonder why the food always finishes quickly. SMH
By hustlers, I refer to the people who always wait outside the event hall, ready to sell their market. Everyone’s a professional & they’re so keen to show themselves. I’m talking photographers, ogene players, masquerades & hawkers selling everything from water to rubber slippers. The ogene players will only follow those they feel would leave them a big tip #moneygang, but the photographers believe in equality and will disturb any living thing that moves. Doesn’t matter if you consent or not, they’ll take pictures 1st, shove their cameras in your face & coerce you to buy the pictures because ‘Aunty, look at how sexy I made you!‘
4. SPRAYING MONEY
Can you call it a Nigerian wedding if you don’t see anyone spray money? Some come with Naira, some Pounds, others Dollars. It can be very glamorous sometimes, but on other occasions, it’s just plain vexing. Once, a guy slapped a bride twice in the face with a very thick wad of cash (It looked like dollars sha. I can tolerate any slap in that situation). But where does that money come from? Imagine waking up the next day remembering that you sprayed N300k on a couple you don’t even know that well because you wanted to trend. The Debit Alert message from your bank alone would be enough to prompt a migraine.
We’re going to divide this section into 3 parts: Makeup, Gele & Agbada
MAKEUP: Basically you embalm your face for the next 6 – 9hrs. Stiff, cakey as F makeup. Eyelashes that could put spider legs to shame. The brightest eyeshadows and lipsticks because you came to shine. The future Ozband you’ll meet at that wedding deserves no less.
GELE: Only the newest styles are acceptable. Auto geles don’t count. You’ll need 2 people to tie the gele so that it fits very tight around your ears that you’re partially deaf AND so high that you’ll block the view of anyone unfortunate to sit behind you in the hall. Who cares about the couple? Have you complimented me on my gele yet?
AGBADA: Time to break out that agbada that has been gathering dust at the back of your cupboard. Doesn’t matter if heat kills you, doesn’t matter if the agbada is so long that it trails on the floor, you better rock it. We put on high heels for you, you should at least suffer through your agbada for us. Honorary mentions include the newest senatorial trad styles inspired by Ebuka, Nigeria’s No. 1 Trad Specialist.
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