How To Spot A First Time Baller

Money is sweet. Those who’ve always had it sometimes take it for granted. For those that just came into a large ass sum of money for the first time in their lives, there are certain signs you can use to pick them out.

1. NEW PERSONA

First, replace your accent. The only acceptable accents would be an American one or a British one. Next to go? Your name. Chukwuma is dead, you will now be reborn as Damien. Damien Eze. Dammy for short. Mama Put stalls are now beneath you, it’ll be expensive restaurants and lounges from now on. Now how would you like your drink sir? Shaken Not Stirred? Excellent choice. And your car? Scrap that economic Nissan for a bright red Maserati. You deserve it.

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2. APPLE

It goes without saying that all your android devices are going in the bin. Only Apple products are required. Nothing else. You’re going to turn up at your nearest Apple store and you’re going to go wild. Let the sacred trio be your guide: Macbook, IPhone and IWatch. Infact, don’t forget to throw in an Ipod & Airpods for good measure. This drip won’t drip itself. Then get the cashier to carry your purchases to your car, so that they can at least feel what it is like to hold Apple Products. We rise by lifting others.


3. STACKS OF CASH

For some reason, you must always have stacks of cash readily available & within easy reach. Local currencies are unacceptable. It must be dollars or pounds. If you were shooting a music video, I could understand. But no, you’re just using it for clout on social media, taking pictures with captions like ‘I’ve got money on my mind’. Extra points if you strike a pose with the stack, holding it up to your ear like a phone.


4. BLING

Bling Bling everywhere. No silver because it’s not flashy enough. We’re talking gold and diamonds baby. It has to be everywhere and on everything you own. On your wrists, neck, ears, teeth and toes. I’m talking watches, rings, neck chains (the longer & thicker, the better), gold buttons, gold trimmed fur, even gold car rims, the works. If your bling doesn’t blind me enough to cause a major accident, you’re not doing it right.


5. INFLUENCER

What’s the point of having all this swag if there’s no one there to see it? So change the label on your IG profile to ‘Public Figure‘ & start shooting videos. Content is key. We need you to pepper people with your wealth. Use Hushpuppi as the golden standard. Random trips overseas, private club parties with celebrities, the sky’s your limit. Also learn how to block people ask for money and shoutouts in your DMs. The audacity.


6. DESIGNER BRANDS

New Money, New Wardrobe. The clothes have to be fresh off the runway, right off the models’ backs. You’ll only go for the most obvious choices of course. Gucci, Fendi, Prada and the big daddy himself, Versace. Even your flipping bedsheets must be designer. You only want the finest fabrics caressing your skin. Have you ever seen anyone with designer sheets suffering from sleep deprivation?


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