When I tell you that I spent a good, solid 20 minutes looking through these and giggling my ass off. You’re in for a treat today. Have a look.
1. JESUS ELECTIONS MINISTRIES
This church is basically a training ground for future politicians and aspiring government officials. The pastors here would like to remind you that yes, Jesus did run campaigns and yes, he was very successful and well liked during his 3 year tenure. However, all good things must come to an end as he was cruelly betrayed by one of his cabinet members, Judas. But not to worry, Our Lord outsmarted them all and obtained the highest position in heaven. So fear not politics for it is in the hands of The Almighty.
2. BARKING METHODIST CHURCH
I think I’ve heard of this church. They don’t speak in tongues Ladies and Gentlemen, they bark. Yes, studies have proved that most demonic entities are susceptible to the barks and howls of a well rooted Child of God. So if you would like to join your fellow canines *sorry* Christians for a rousing round of demonic deliverance, they offer barking seminars every Tuesday & Friday at 4pm prompt. All seminars will be led by the Honorable Rev. C.N. Labrador. You’re welcome in advance.
3. RUN FOR YOUR LIFE MINISTRY
At least this one is being honest. I wonder, does the running start as soon as I enter the building or do I need to wait until I’m a full fledged, registered church member before I put my life at risk? Imagine going to this church and you’re unfit as F. I do so admire those who are always so eager to meet their maker. Just so you know, the church will not be held liable for any injuries or deaths ascertained during the course of their weekend prayer programs. Thank you.
4. HELICOPTER OF CHRIST MINISTRY
Ironically, this church is located right next to the previously stated church, so I guess they had an escape plan already sorted. To anyone who doubts that Nigerians possess good business acumen, here’s your proof. Also, why a helicopter? This is Our Lord we’re talking about about. If Davido can own a private jet, how much so Christ? Also before I get on any helicopter, we need to hammer out a few details: How much is a ticket? Where is it flying to? Is it a one-way or a return trip? Will there be snacks? Is the pilot local or foreign? Local? Let me off please.
5. THE ATOMIC BOMB BIBLE BRIGADE MINISTRY
Aren’t churches supposed to be peaceful in nature? Which one is atomic bomb again? Low key, this sounds like a terrorist base to me. It might be the church version of The Black Panther Movement. I don’t know who they’re trying to deceive by adding Bible and Ministry at the end of the title. I suspect that anyone who attends this church must either be suicidal or suffering from anger issues. Only really aggressive people would probably find their services enlightening.
6. OPERATION POINT AND KILL MINISTRY
This church isn’t for the faint hearted. Their member count is always at an all time low. That’s because everyone is always accusing each other of one sin or the other. And the penalty for sin? Death of course. They also host popular programs during the festive season, such as
- ‘How To Identify A Witch’
- ‘The Joys Of The Spanish Inquisition’
- ‘Faith By Hunting’
I’m almost intrigued enough to go, but I’m neither mad nor stupid, so this one is a hard pass for me.
7. NTA CHANNEL JESUS MINISTRY
Finally! NTA has decided to raise up a church to battle the necessary evils of intercommunication. Media churches are in vogue right now. Forget hard cover bibles and hymn books, they probably have tv screens and tablets for every church member. And of course, every service would be televised, with 5 minute commercial breaks in between. Even the pastors would probably be replaced with news anchors, who would preach from a high tech desk rather than from the traditional podium. Forward always, Backwards never.
8. LABORATORY CHURCH OF GOD
So scientists have finally confirmed the existence of God. That’s all well and good, but please, what kind of experiments would these guys be running during a service? You’ll be praying, only to see a flash of white at the corner of your eye. You open your eyes and see the scientists preparing the test tubes and petri dishes for the administration of the host. After which, you would fill out a short questionnaire on your satisfaction with this week’s variation of the bread and wine formula. Data is everything. To God Be The Glory.
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