Each and everyone of us has that particular movie that we just love to hate. In my case, I’ve got four; all wonderfully bad, downright laughable and an utter waste of time (I still recommend you watch them though. They’re amusing at best). Because I’m such a wonderful person (No I’m not. I simply refuse to suffer through these alone. I wasted precious data and hours of my life that I will never get back), you all will be subjected to short rants outlining my qualms about each movie. Let’s begin.
1. THE KISSING BOOTH 2
Quite frankly, I already knew this movie was going to be trash because the 1st movie was trash. Toxic relationships at its best. Why did I watch it then? Because I’m a low-key masochist and I like to torment myself. Baby Girl Elle is now in a beautiful long distance relationship with our anger management poster child Noah. Nothing could possibly go wrong…except she now has to decide whether she should apply to the same college as her boyfriend or that of her best friend (Like we give a damn. Teenagers eh). Meanwhile, back at Harvard, Noah is having a ‘platonic’ friendship with this random, hot, black girl called Chloe, who wears his clothes, sleeps in his bed and touches him a little too much for comfort (Sis even kissed him at some point. Hold on, make I remove my earrings. Let her try that rubbish with me. Her edges would be ripped clean off.). He’s constantly gas lighting Elle, telling her she’s imagining things & he would never be unfaithful (Why you always lyingg? Stop f***ing lyingg). Also, what would a teenage movie be without be a love triangle? Introducing Marco, a nicer, sweeter, more age appropriate guy who wants to be with Elle. But does she accept him? Nope. Why? Because at the end of day, even though that Noah was never s**t, isn’t shit and will never be shit, Elle loves him and believes her love can change him for the better (Ode). What’s worse is that I heard that Kissing Booth 3 is currently in production……Keep in mind these movies are based on a book series written by a 15 year old girl…..Why invest money in healthcare or educational improvement when you can waste more money on this toxic wasteland?
2. SIERRA BURGESS IS A LOSER
Low key, this movie was a comedy to me. I know they meant it to be deep and thought provoking, but the main character, Sierra, makes that impossible as she is the most annoying, most unlikeable character I’ve ever come across. And that’s saying something, because I hate her more than Joeffrey from GOT…..Let that sink in. The producers really thought that making her overweight would help us forget how irritating this girl is. ITK too dey worry her, she’s overtly arrogant and even pretended to be deaf in order to get a guy (Arrest her please. Do it quick & do it now). Let me quickly give you a run down of some of her sins: She CAT FISHED and kissed a guy WITHOUT HIS CONSENT (Sexual Harassment), lied to & disrespected her parents (Sis basically blamed them for making her fat…….she’s lucky she’s not in an African home. one simple backhand would have solved things real quick), mistreated her best friend whenever he offered her sound advice (And the best friend was black o. The only reason she wasn’t smacked upside the head was because he was a guy), hacked & leaked sensitive information about her female friend Veronica because she saw the boy she CAT FISHED kiss Veronica by accident……I tire. And at the end of everything, does she apologize for all the ish she pulled? No. she writes A SONG. A RUBBISH, 2 MINUTE, HALF ASSED AND INSINCERE LITTLE DITTY talking about how people should be nicer to her because she’s overweight and she can’t help the way she feels or acts sometimes (Is she mad or just mad I wonder..). And what happens? Everyone forgives her and she magically gets the guy to fall in love with her. Kill me now.
3. 365 DAYS
The best of the worst. This movie is actually competing with CATS for the title of Worst Movie Of The Year. It’s a film that wants you believe that it’s sexy and romantic when really it’s actually about Stockholm Syndrome. The movie just doesn’t make sense and they don’t even try to make it have sense. For starters, it used 3 different languages and I can tell you that the acting is bad in all three. Other offenses include having a horrible soundtrack, trying to tie unrelated scenes together with random multiple montages and intense, unappealing aggressive sex (It’s either brother is grabbing her by the neck or he’s pushing her against a surface. Yes Daddy, choke me, give me vertigo, Break me, I’m your China). My dude at some point even ties her to the bed and makes her watch as another woman goes down on him……so that he, and I quote, ‘Can show her what she’s missing’……Oga, you didn’t do anything. You just sat there, WHAT THE HELL AM I MISSING? THE OPPORTUNITY TO DO ALL THE WORK? LAZY ASS. The only thing the producers got right was the guy that they cast as the lead actor, Massimo (He’s fine as hell. Wayyy better than Jamie Dorman in Fifty Shades. At least here, I felt appropriate tension). Basically, the movie is about a mafia boss who DRUGS AND KIDNAPS a woman and forces her to fall in love with him in 1 year, all the while sexually harrassing her……..Like I said, romantic. But of course, he’s rich and attractive, so that makes it okay. The way they hyped this movie, it didn’t feel adventurous to me. It felt like I was in danger or about to witness a crime. They were trying to market it as a subtle, BDSM love story. All we saw was her nipples and his ass. My eyes have not been the same since. I literally can’t even enjoy ice cream anymore. They ruined that for me. And his catchphrase, ugh…’Are You Lost Baby girl?‘ No be me and you abeg. I’m a child of The Most High. I can never be lost in Jesus name.
4. TALL GIRL
Basically the same plot as movie no. 2, but instead of an overweight character, we get a girl that believes that her life is over, she’ll never fit in and find love because she’s 6 FEET TALL……..JUST 6 FEET! WHO EVEN WRITES THESE MOVIES?! My girl basically said, ‘I wear size 13 Nikes. Beat that‘. My friend, shut up. The rest of us that can’t even afford Nikes nko? Are we singing about our oppression? Nonsense. It’s not as if she’s ugly o. She’s pretty, rich, smart, talented with a loving family and in possession of an American Passport (That last point pained me a little sha, not going to lie). Even being 7ft tall would have been enough for me to sympathize with her. Do you know how many people in my church alone are over 6ft?! Boo Boo, you’re not that special. I don’t know what midgets went to your school, but calm down, thou art of a normal height. And of course, we have AGAIN a love triangle between her, one of her best friends (who has loved her ever since they met but she refuses to date him because he’s shorter than her…..shallow as F) and this blond, Swedish dude that she develops a crush on because finally, she meets a good looking guy that is finally taller than her. At the end of this dumpster fire movie, she finds out that the Swedish dude wasn’t the one for her because he cared more about popularity than about her. So she goes to prom in the most hideous suit I’ve ever seen ( That suit I can feel sorry for. An original blue monstrosity), just to reassert her stance on loving herself and not caring about what others think, She ends up getting together and kissing her best friend at the end of the movie because True Love was there all along……And I used to think Disney was unrealistic.
Honestly, I’m looking forward to the new year, which brings with it the possibility of more grotesque movies to watch and mock. My self-torture chronicles will carry on.
THANKS FOR READING!!
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