The Sorting Hat Quiz: Naija Version

To my fellow Harry Potter & Pottermore associates, I greet you. How did you find the weekend? Nah, I don’t care, let’s talk about me. I enjoyed my weekend, particularly as I spent a good chunk of it reliving youthful memories by watching old movies. I managed to get as far as the 4th HP movie before I succumbed to absolute laziness and it got me thinking: Imagine if we had a School of Witchcraft & Wizardry in Nigeria? Regardless of the fact that the government would find some way to turn that fantasy into an ill-managed nightmare, we have multiple Juju masters all over the country who are always ready to take on new initiates. So, being the sweet person that I am, I decided to come up with my own quiz, to act as a guide to point you towards which Juju faction would suit you best. You will be sorted into the following 4 houses accordingly:

HOUSE OZOKWOR

  • Founding Member: The main sugar mummy of Juju herself, Patience Ozokwor
  • Specialty: Poisoning and Sowing Discord
  • Target: Orphans and Young women, especially daughter in laws
  • Motto: I Will Die Before I Let You Marry My Son

HOUSE KANANYO

  • Founding Member: HRH Kananyo O Kananyo, king of all things Occult
  • Specialty: Human Sacrifices and Money Rituals
  • Target: Doesn’t discriminate. Attacks everyone and anything that moves
  • Motto: What’s life Without Money?

HOUSE AGU

  • Founding Member: Chiwetel Agu, Certified Trouble Maker
  • Specialty: Incantations and Nonsensical Proverbs
  • Target: People who own large plots of land
  • Motto: Get Others To Do Your Dirty Work

HOUSE UMEZ

  • Founding Member: Tony Umez, The Most Susceptible Mumu
  • Specialty: ……………..Not a damn thing. Henchman central
  • Target: All members of this house are targets honestly
  • Motto: Being A Mumu Is Not A Sin

Option A = 1 point, Option B = 2 points, Option C = 3 points

Let’s Begin.

1. You’re taking a walk & you come across a wallet on the floor. What do you do?

  • A. Leave it alone and walk on. You know better.
  • B. Poke it with a stick and wait for some time to see if it’s safe to pick up.
  • C. Grab it immediately. You don’t care if you turn into a pigeon.

2. Your friend took the meat from your plate without permission. What do you do?

  • A. Admonish him gently and ask for it back.
  • B. Take something else of theirs that they value more.
  • C. Say nothing because you plan to poison them later.

3. Where do you feel the most comfortable?

  • A. Near a body of water (Mami Water Vibes).
  • B. In a forest (Babalawo Chills)
  • C. At home (Your Personal Shrine)

4. What makes you happy?

  • A. Nothing. You were never really happy to begin with.
  • B. Seeing other people suffer. Who says revenge isn’t sweet?
  • C. Being better than everyone else. It’s so tiring suppressing your brilliance.

5. If you received supernatural powers suddenly, who would you use your powers to get rid of first?

  • A. Your friend who borrowed money from you and never paid you back.
  • B. That one, annoying busy body in your life
  • C. A rich relative of yours, so you can get your hands on their property

6. You enter into a forbidden forest and 3 items are placed before you. Which one would you choose?

  • A. A stack of cowry necklaces
  • B. A calabash containing a deep red liquid
  • C. A wooden tray loaded with cash

7. You find yourself in desperate need of money. What do you do?

  • A. Sell one of your organs. You can survive with just one kidney.
  • B. Have a one night stand with a rich sugar daddy/mummy. Eat their children’s school fees.
  • C. Use your friend for money ritual. What are friends for?

8. What role would you rather play in a Nollywood thriller?

  • A. The head cultist aka the person that leads the innocent main character astray.
  • B. The Sacrificial lamb/the mumu/the innocent character that turns to a life of sin to solve their problems.
  • C. The pastor. Someone has to deliver the sinners at the end of the movie.

9. The love of your life is in love with someone else. What do you do?

  • A. Let them be. Hopefully they’ll realize their true feelings & come back to you.
  • B. Try to sabotage the relationship. If you can’t have them, no one can.
  • C. Slip them a love potion which you’ll have to re-administer every 2 years. Love is eternal.

10. Which of these statements can you relate to the most?

  • A. ‘Everything will work itself out in the end’
  • B. ‘If you had been rich, none of this would have happened’
  • C. ‘You should have killed them when you had the chance’

11. Which of the following traits do you hate the most?

  • A. Stupidity
  • B. Poverty
  • C. Baseless Optimism

Okay, so tally up your points and let’s see which Juju house is lucky to have you!

11 – 16 Points: House Umez

17 – 22 Points: House Agu

23 – 28 Points: House Ozokwor

29 – 33 Points: House Kananyo


THANKS FOR READING!!

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4 thoughts on “The Sorting Hat Quiz: Naija Version

  1. Lmao 😂😂 What is this please???
    I saw the title and I rubbed my hands in glee, then I got here and I couldn’t stop laughing 😂😂

    I got House Agu though 🤧 This game is rigged! I demand a refund! I believe I’m more House Kananyo because really, what’s life without money? 🤧🤧

    I wonder, what house did you get? I hope you’re House Ozokwor so I can get you to do my work for me *rubs hands in glee* 😈😈

    But that question 11, why did you have to put poverty?? 😭😭 See mad casting sha 🤧

    Liked by 1 person

    1. 🤣🤣🤣 How did you know? I got House Ozokwor! Is there really that much latent wickedness in me? 🤣🤣🤣

      My dear, be glad you didn’t get house umez 🤣🤣 That one is a useless house.

      Because if there is one thing that is universally hated, it’s poverty o 🤣🤣

      Liked by 1 person

      1. It appears so 😂😂

        A very useless one 😂😂 I want to say it’s the Hufflepuff of houses but Hufflepuff isn’t that useless (at least it brought Cedric Gregory to us, even though he died eventually, whyyy J.k Rowling!!! Whyyy!!! 😭😭😭)

        The hate is even more intense with the shit economy, how can sachet tomato be ₦100!! Stuff that used to be ₦50. Nahhh. Even the usual broke student meal (Jollof spag, Indomie, Garri) are expensive, I wonder how we’re gonna cope when we resume 🤧

        Liked by 1 person

      2. 🤣🤣 My dear, the house is still useless. They don’t have any special qualities other than they’re hard workers and friendly 🤣

        I swear! It shocked me when I went to buy sachet tomatoes. The way I minimise things now eh, I don’t have money to be wasting anyhow

        Like

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