Don’t you just love the festive season? Already the lights and trees are up, the snow is…….Sorry, for a minute I forgot where I was. I meant the sun is brighter and hotter than usual and people are walking around deceiving themselves that they’re better people when come January, they’ll revert back to their original mumu nature (But that’s a story for another time. Let’s press on). When I was younger, I used to write out Christmas lists to Santa Claus (aka My parents. My father was Santa, my mum was Claus. I wasn’t stupid. I knew how these things worked). I was always frugal with my wishes (good child things) because I knew they would most likely be granted if they were reasonable enough. But now, screw reason. I’m an adult. I can finally get whatever I want because I just found out that Santa is real! Lord do I plan to suck the man dry. Years of suppression and rubbish gifts have led me to this golden moment. What do I need again? Oh yeah, pen…check, paper…check, envelope…check, postage stamps…check, dignity and self restraint………..b***h please. On to my list!

1. A New Queen Sized Bed. I want it wide enough so that I can be able to spread myself apart like the Red Sea without touching the edges. Complete with a memory foam mattress and Egyptian cotton sheets for my bougie ass.

2. A New Car. One of those sleek, new babies with an automatic cooling system, a sky roof and a built-in fridge. I want that car to greet me as soon as I enter, in 25 different languages no less, pidgin included. Don’t worry about the window tint, I can do that myself. That’ll be my gift to you, Santa. Just hurry up with delivery though, I want to be able to pepper my village people come the 25th.

3. The Entire Agatha Christie DVD Series Collection. Because yes, I’m an old woman who loves Agatha Christie and yes, I need something to keep my mind occupied while I luxuriate in my brand new queen sized bed. The holidays were made for lazy bums.

4. The PS5 System. Not to play it myself. Imagine how much money I could make charging people to use it at my house, snacks and drinks included. I know how to give back to the community.

5. A Pair Of Scissors. So I can cut the cords of the next unfortunate soul I see wearing earphones to church. Flaunting your drip game in The House Of The Lord. Nonsense. Sacrilegious vagabond.

6. Timbalands. Always wanted to see what the fuss was about. Chai, wait o, I take it back. I just saw the cheapest pair is roughly N300k. For what again? Will the boots help change my destiny?

7. Perfume From Gucci. I want to smell like literal money. Decadence overflowing. When I walk by, your bank account should get debited automatically because you can’t afford to smell my scent.

8. Diamonds. I’m not picky. A necklace, a ring, a bracelet, take your pick. Just so long as they shine bright enough to land someone’s car in a ditch or are able to distract my pastor during his sermon.

9. Noise Cancelling Headphones. So that I can finally block out Mama & Papa Uche’s voices as they argue about who used the most toilet paper during the week. See the type of argument someone will be having during the night. Disturbing my sleep. Don’t these people have a life? Or is it some sort of weird fore play? Saints preserve us.

10. 12 Metres Of Rope & A Pair Of Hancuffs. Don’t ask me why, just get it. Okay fine, if you must know, it’s for an art……..experiment…..

11. A Full Sized, Lighted Vanity Mirror. I want to be able to examine the magnitude of my forehead from multiple different angles. If I’m also being greedy, I would suggest throwing in a vanity table as well…….what the hell, it’s Christmas. I deserve to spoil myself. I want both. Make it work.

12. A Birkin Bag. Again, not for me. I’m going to store it in a secure location for 10-15 years, complete with monthly touch-ups, then sell it for a much higher price when the value shoots up. That should about cover my future child’s Uni tuition. Stay woke.

On a serious note, what I would really love would be to have my whole family safe and happy in one location so we could celebrate the holidays together. Merry Christmas In Advance Everyone.

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