Why hello my lovelies, and Happy 2021!! May this year bring you a flat stomach, a fat wallet and an unending supply of face masks and sanitizers. Yes I know, it’s been a hot minute since I posted anything. I’ve been busy……or lazy……same thing, doesn’t matter. The important thing is that I’m back to disturb your lives again. Did you miss me? Of course you did (Who wouldn’t miss a gem like moi?). How did you find the Christmas holidays? I’m talking about those of us that were lucky enough to travel to different locations to get high on palm wine while the rest of you unfortunate souls were stuck in one place, getting more ashy by the day. Christmas has always been my favourite part of the year and my family & I spent the better part of it in our village. However, I had long suspected that things wouldn’t turn out the usual way I expected them to because of the pandemic (Thank you for that COVID). It pains me to say that I was proven right. Read on and see what I mean.
1. EXPECTATION: Plenty Food and Drinks to stuff your face with.
REALITY: If you managed to eat rice of any kind (Extra points if garnished with onions), whether at home or at Owambe, I hope you remembered to thank Our Lord during the New Year service (To those of you that didn’t allow us to rest because you kept flooding our feed with expensive alcohol reels & videos, I just want to say that IT DIDN’T TOUCH ME! I DON’T DRINK! SO YOU ONLY PLAYED & PEPPERED YOURSELF! NONSENSE! WASTING MY DATA ANYHOW MTCHEWW!) *cough* For the rest of you that had to make do with Indomie and Beans on Christmas Day………..Stay faithful, 2021 may surprise you. You’ll definitely upgrade to Indomie and Abacha in Jesus Name!
2. EXPECTATION: Steady Light
REALITY: Excuse me while I laugh in Chinese. Light? Which Light? What is Light? At this point, I’ve become so unfamiliar with the concept that I can’t even spell ‘Light‘ again properly. Don’t act like you didn’t know that NEPA officials don’t like to respect themselves during holidays. At least during Easter, they might be moved to pity, but Valentine & Christmas Day are the worst. (That’s how they offed light at this wedding I went to. The MC was still trying to form posh, dey use accent to explain that ‘We seem to be having issues with our power supply‘. UNCLE, SO WHAT YOU’RE SAYING IS THAT I HAVE TO EAT THIS HOT PEPPERSOUP WITH NO A.C.? NO ALLOW ME TO SLAP YOU, YOU UNGRATEFUL LINGUIST.……Let me tell you, a lot of slay queens were humbled real quick once their ‘Faces‘ started to melt). Even those of us that used to get up to 13hrs of light had to adjust to just 6hrs (My condolences to those that received no light at all or that their generator broke down. Una go still receive your unabridged NEPA bill come January for the 13hrs you never used. I hope you haven’t spent all your pocket money).
3. EXPECTATION: Parte After Parte aka ‘Catching Cruise’ Gang aka Ndi ‘Detty December’
REALITY: Less parties/events this Christmas because of COVID. After sewing ashebi, planning the accessories you were going to wear, plus the aesthetically banging pictures you were going to take at different events, some selfish people went ahead and tied the knot during the Lockdown in their houses, with only 5-10 guest max, in order to save costs (When I now call una 1st Class Vagabonds, you’ll say I’m overreacting. Do you ingrates know the sacrifices I made during the year? All the nourisha & delicionkwa I avoided just so that I wouldn’t gain weight & I would still be able to rock my ashebi during Christmas?! NOW I LOOK LIKE A COW!! A sexy cow still sha, BUT A COW NONETHELESS!!! BECAUSE I HAD TO STUFF MYSELF WITH A YEAR WORTH OF ENJOYMENT IN 1 WEEK!! JUST SO THAT I COULD MAKE UP FOR WHAT I HAD MISSED!). So anyway, since we couldn’t attend our dream weddings, we had to satisfy our ginger with wedding events that we normally wouldn’t have considered otherwise. I’m talking about receptions where 10 people at a table dey try to ration one piece of chicken between themselves (If you think I came to this event in my fine ass lace and gele to disgrace my ancestors by struggling for meat, you must be mental boo boo. Just keep the juice flowing). Then on top of everything, they’ll force you to wear that irritating face mask whose only purpose is to spoil your pancake (Abeg, oga waiter, leave the juice 1st. Bring me wine. No, leave the bottle. I’ll need a lot of alcohol to get me through this).
4. EXPECTATION: Making Fun & Intmate Memories With Your Immediate Family Members
REALITY: You see that oyibo version of Christmas you have in your mind? I want you to take that image, crumple it into a ball of disappointment, set it on fire, drown the ashes repeatedly with water and kerosene until they lose both colour and smell, then lastly scatter salt over the mixture to prevent it from rising again. Let me break it down for you: After suffering to make sure all your goods and belongings have been shoved into the seemingly smaller-than-usual boot of the family car, you take off on a long road trip to the village where you’re hungry, car-sick, irritable because your siblings keep arguing and annoying the hell out of you AND your parents keep making loud calls to different relatives whom you’re forced to greet everytime they pass you the phone. Just when you think it can’t get any worse, the evil intentions of your village people finally catch up to you (Because everyone knows any sort of connection, be it spiritual or telecommunication wise will lose network the further down you drive on a Nigerian Highway) and the car breaks down. If you’re unlucky, it’ll be engine trouble & you and your family will have to wait by the side of the road, next to your belongings, like destitutes, waiting for help. If you’re lucky, then it’s only a tire problem, so you replace it with the spare and arrive at your destination tired and with a resounding headache. Oh but the fun doesn’t stop there! You then find out that about 85% of the extended branch of your family anticipated your arrival and just wanted to ‘stop by‘ to greet you (And by stop by, I mean spending a week or more in your house, eating your Christmas Chicken & Chin-Chin, while using you as the delegated house-help at all hours of the day). That’s why the only memory you managed to make last Christmas was washing Aunty Nkiru’s waist trainer and underwear at 1am in the morning, with only the sacrifical Christmas cow to keep you company.
Well, the good news is that hopefully, this year’s Christmas festivities may be better if COVID decides to respect itself and lay low. The bad news is, this Sunday is Valentine’s day, so expect me to yab all of you come next week Tuesday about your romantic exploits. Until then, peace out.
THANKS FOR READING!!
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