StoryTime: Be My Valentine

It’s that time of the week again. StoryTime! If you’re new to this segment, StoryTime is a part of my blog where I relate the random experiences, mine or otherwise, that may or may not be fictional. Your job is to decide which is which.

DISCLAIMER: CHARACTER NAMES AND PLACES MAY BE ALTERED FOR THE PURPOSE OF THIS SEGMENT. ANY SIMITLARITIES BETWEEN SAID CHARACTERS AND REAL LIFE INDIVIDUALS ARE COMPLETELY COINCEDENTAL.

I hope you all had a great weekend, and an even better Valentine’s Day. If you got any presents or eatable goodies, please remember to donate about 20% of your items to my charity ‘I No Wan Suffer For This Life‘. Your girl was very antisocial this weekend, work and my family taking the majority of my time. So this year’s Valentine’s Day didn’t mean a damn thing to me other than extra sleep hours. But fret not, I managed to interrogate certain rats *cough* I mean, friends of mine concerning the proceedings of their special day. One of said rats in particular (He will remain anonymous) was willing to let me share her experience (I can always count on you, my beloved bush rat). So have a read & make your deductions!

Now, you all know that the closer we get to the 14th of February every year, people’s bodies just dey begin to scratch them anyhow. Because suddenly everyone wants a boo, everyone wants to pepper their circle with updates of love messages or gifts they received, everyone wants to take ‘My Love Will Never Die‘ pictures with the oga/madam at the top they’re currently dating. Now, there are 3 things involved: 1. You have a lovely holiday & manage to retain both your boo and your relationship (Mtcheww Showoffs), 2. Trouble occurs in paradise when you’re forced/coerced into spending a ridiculous sum on your boo, all in the name of love (Ndi ‘Secure The Lash’ Gang) OR 3. It ends in tears because the sugar in your tea decided to break up with you before, on or after Valentine’s Day (Sugar is overrated. Next time, try pepper).

Now, my guy (I’ll call him Tochi) had this girl (For the sake of this story, let’s call her Nkiru aka Ku Ku Baby) that he’d been interested in for some time. They were always texting & calling each other, exchanging absolute nonsense with each other in public without shame (Imagine this mumu saying that he wanted this girl to wear him like shoe. I can just imagine how his ancestors are arguing among themselves about which one of them should reactivate his sense with spiritual thunder). The one that would annoy me pass would be the times where I would walk in on him playing with my handbag as they reenacted Nollywood love scenes (Saying rubbish like ‘Ku Ku, you’re feeling cold? Oya let me blow you some hot air. Swooshhh! Swooshhh! Can you feel it baby?’) Feel ke? FEEL WHAT?! WHAT ARE YOU FEELING WITH MY BAG?! U DEY MENT?! God help you if you spoil that bag. It’s like you want to forfeit your future children’s school fees. Ode.

Now with the 14th creeping closer, son of man was pulling out all the stops. He spared no expense, let me tell you. Bought her this nice MK clutch bag she’d been eyeing, booked a spa day for her at her favourite spot, complete with hair & nails treatment, all expense paid (Jehovah, biko, WHEN?) My guy even wrote her a poem on this big a** Valentine card, complete with a Teddy bear and chocolates. At the end of the day, the sum total came up to around N335k or so (When I first heard the price, my latent sugar baby vibes activated. Daddy m, Cruise Papi, come closer na, make I tell you something). Now, bear in mind, he did all of this BEFORE asking Ku Ku baby officially whether she would be his Valentine. He just assumed that she would ecstatically clear out her day for her supposed crush (I mean, who wouldn’t make such an assumption after you guys have already discussed the holiday destination of your 15th Wedding Anniversary. But still, N335k? Even his papa never spent that much money on his wife in one sitting. As I said before, ODE).

On the morning of the 14th, my dude carried the card, the chocolates, the Teddy bear and the bag over to Ku Ku’s house. He’d wanted to surprise her, so he didn’t call to inform her about his arrival before hand. He found the door to her house locked, so decided to head back to his car and wait for her to return. On his way back, he spied a familiar face. Was that his Ku Ku baby? But wait, what was that extra luggage attached to her side? A man? No, no, how can? What does light and darkness have in common? As he’s trying to process this image, Ku Ku notices him, signals to her ‘companion‘ that she’ll be right back & makes her way over to Tochi. Tochi pulls himself together just enough to hug her and wish her a Happy Valentine’s Day. But before he gets a chance to unleash his gifts, Ku Ku breaks down in tears. My guy was there thinking she was overwhelmed with love at his thoughtful gesture, so he tries to calm her down while mentally patting himself on the back. Apparently, their conversation went a little something like this:

TOCHI: Baby, it’s okay na. It’s not much, just a small token of my love for you.

KU KU: *sobs* No, Tochi, you don’t understand…..I……

TOCHI: It’s alright baby, you didn’t have to get me anything. Just being with you is enough.

KU KU: I’M ENGAGED!

TOCHI:…………….

KU KU: I didn’t mean for this to happen! My fiance and I were going through a rough patch…….and I just needed a friend…….you were there! It’s like you were God-sent. You’ve been so amazing to me and I’ll always respect you as my soul mate. Thank goodness it didn’t go too far. We can both walk back from this……….Tochi, why are you looking at me like that?

TOCHI:……………..

KU KU: Tochi! Baby! Please say something! Tell me you understand!!

TOCHI:……………………………….

…………………………………………………

To cut the long story short, son of man secured his spot in the ‘It Ended In Tears‘ Hall of fame. Who those tears belong to is another matter entirely. Tears of pain from our fallen comrade himself everytime he sees that N335k debit alert on his phone? Tears of laughter from all the MTN network operators that logged in every call and message he ever sent to Ku Ku Baby? Or Tears of gratitude from me as I thanked God for giving me the foresight to stay at home & avoid such unnecessary stories that touch? Oh well, I can’t wait to see what sort of fresh hell next year’s Valentine’s Day brings.

So, what do you think? Truth or Fiction? Vote down below.


THANKS FOR READING!!

If you enjoyed this post, you can Subscribe For Free OR You Can Follow Me Via Social Media for updates.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s