12 Things I Want For Christmas

Don’t you just love the festive season? Already the lights and trees are up, the snow is…….Sorry, for a minute I forgot where I was. I meant the sun is brighter and hotter than usual and people are walking around deceiving themselves that they’re better people when come January, they’ll revert back to their original mumu nature (But that’s a story for another time. Let’s press on). When I was younger, I used to write out Christmas lists to Santa Claus (aka My parents. My father was Santa, my mum was Claus. I wasn’t stupid. I knew how these things worked). I was always frugal with my wishes (good child things) because I knew they would most likely be granted if they were reasonable enough. But now, screw reason. I’m an adult. I can finally get whatever I want because I just found out that Santa is real! Lord do I plan to suck the man dry. Years of suppression and rubbish gifts have led me to this golden moment. What do I need again? Oh yeah, pen…check, paper…check, envelope…check, postage stamps…check, dignity and self restraint………..b***h please. On to my list!

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Attending Events: Your Younger Self Vs Your Older Self

1. ARRIVALS

Younger Self: Any party is fair game. Doesn’t matter if you don’t know the celebrant(s). Doesn’t matter what time the event is supposed to start, you’ll be there whenever you choose to show up. You could even show up at the last minute & still find a way to turn up, because you’re part of the ‘Party All Night‘ gang.

Older Self: If you’re not notified about the event weeks in advance, you’re not going anywhere. You have to know the celebrant(s). You’ve already decided the times you’re arriving and leaving. You probably won’t even spend that long at the event because you want to go home as soon as possible.

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How To Spot A First Time Baller

Money is sweet. Those who’ve always had it sometimes take it for granted. For those that just came into a large ass sum of money for the first time in their lives, there are certain signs you can use to pick them out.

1. NEW PERSONA

First, replace your accent. The only acceptable accents would be an American one or a British one. Next to go? Your name. Chukwuma is dead, you will now be reborn as Damien. Damien Eze. Dammy for short. Mama Put stalls are now beneath you, it’ll be expensive restaurants and lounges from now on. Now how would you like your drink sir? Shaken Not Stirred? Excellent choice. And your car? Scrap that economic Nissan for a bright red Maserati. You deserve it.

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The Wonderful Characteristics Of A Nigerian Wedding

Weddings are a whole other affair in Nigeria. And it wouldn’t be a Nigerian wedding if the following factors didn’t come into play.

1. LATENESS

It specifically says on the invite that the ‘Reception Starts at 1pm‘. What time do guests start arriving? 3 – 4pm. Everyone wants to be fashionably late. Even the wedding party itself will be late. I once went to a wedding where the bridal party arrived so late that the party Jellof rice had decongealed back to plain white rice & red stew. The only people that do come early are the caterers and the decorators. They don’t need anyone stressing their lives about being on time. Me, I come early to secure my parking space & a prime seat next to the buffet table. Priorities.

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END SWAT. REFORM THE POLICE.

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Our lovely government is trying to take our youths on yet another ride. Dressing a monkey in a clothes doesn’t make it human. Trying to rebrand SARS as SWAT isn’t fooling anyone. Tackle the root of the problem. Properly educate and train officers. Pay them an adequate salary promptly and on time in order to reduce their impulse of extorting people for money. And most of all, set heavy penalties in place for anyone who would dare to use violence on a Nigerian citizen.

I sign off with these words from Thomas Paine: The Duty Of A Patriot Is To Protect His/Her Country From Its Government.