StoryTime: Be My Valentine

It’s that time of the week again. StoryTime! If you’re new to this segment, StoryTime is a part of my blog where I relate the random experiences, mine or otherwise, that may or may not be fictional. Your job is to decide which is which.

DISCLAIMER: CHARACTER NAMES AND PLACES MAY BE ALTERED FOR THE PURPOSE OF THIS SEGMENT. ANY SIMITLARITIES BETWEEN SAID CHARACTERS AND REAL LIFE INDIVIDUALS ARE COMPLETELY COINCEDENTAL.

I hope you all had a great weekend, and an even better Valentine’s Day. If you got any presents or eatable goodies, please remember to donate about 20% of your items to my charity ‘I No Wan Suffer For This Life‘. Your girl was very antisocial this weekend, work and my family taking the majority of my time. So this year’s Valentine’s Day didn’t mean a damn thing to me other than extra sleep hours. But fret not, I managed to interrogate certain rats *cough* I mean, friends of mine concerning the proceedings of their special day. One of said rats in particular (He will remain anonymous) was willing to let me share her experience (I can always count on you, my beloved bush rat). So have a read & make your deductions!

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Holidays: Expectations Vs Reality

Why hello my lovelies, and Happy 2021!! May this year bring you a flat stomach, a fat wallet and an unending supply of face masks and sanitizers. Yes I know, it’s been a hot minute since I posted anything. I’ve been busy……or lazy……same thing, doesn’t matter. The important thing is that I’m back to disturb your lives again. Did you miss me? Of course you did (Who wouldn’t miss a gem like moi?). How did you find the Christmas holidays? I’m talking about those of us that were lucky enough to travel to different locations to get high on palm wine while the rest of you unfortunate souls were stuck in one place, getting more ashy by the day. Christmas has always been my favourite part of the year and my family & I spent the better part of it in our village. However, I had long suspected that things wouldn’t turn out the usual way I expected them to because of the pandemic (Thank you for that COVID). It pains me to say that I was proven right. Read on and see what I mean.

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StoryTime: Restaurant Troubles

It’s that time of the week again. StoryTime! If you’re new to this segment, StoryTime is a part of my blog, posted every Friday, where I relate the random experiences, mine or otherwise, that may or may not be fictional. Your job is to decide which is which.

DISCLAIMER: CHARACTER NAMES AND PLACES MAY BE ALTERED FOR THE PURPOSE OF THIS SEGMENT. ANY SIMITLARITIES BETWEEN SAID CHARACTERS AND REAL LIFE INDIVIDUALS ARE COMPLETELY COINCEDENTAL.

It’s been a while since our last StoryTime, so hopefully your sense have dulled since then and you’ll be able to make the right deduction. And what will we be talking about today? Food! Or to be more specific, the worst encounter I’ve ever had at a restaurant (if they still have the liver to call themselves a restaurant). So without further ado, let’s get into it, shall we?

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Attending Events: Your Younger Self Vs Your Older Self

1. ARRIVALS

Younger Self: Any party is fair game. Doesn’t matter if you don’t know the celebrant(s). Doesn’t matter what time the event is supposed to start, you’ll be there whenever you choose to show up. You could even show up at the last minute & still find a way to turn up, because you’re part of the ‘Party All Night‘ gang.

Older Self: If you’re not notified about the event weeks in advance, you’re not going anywhere. You have to know the celebrant(s). You’ve already decided the times you’re arriving and leaving. You probably won’t even spend that long at the event because you want to go home as soon as possible.

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How To Spot A First Time Baller

Money is sweet. Those who’ve always had it sometimes take it for granted. For those that just came into a large ass sum of money for the first time in their lives, there are certain signs you can use to pick them out.

1. NEW PERSONA

First, replace your accent. The only acceptable accents would be an American one or a British one. Next to go? Your name. Chukwuma is dead, you will now be reborn as Damien. Damien Eze. Dammy for short. Mama Put stalls are now beneath you, it’ll be expensive restaurants and lounges from now on. Now how would you like your drink sir? Shaken Not Stirred? Excellent choice. And your car? Scrap that economic Nissan for a bright red Maserati. You deserve it.

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