StoryTime: Be My Valentine

It’s that time of the week again. StoryTime! If you’re new to this segment, StoryTime is a part of my blog where I relate the random experiences, mine or otherwise, that may or may not be fictional. Your job is to decide which is which.

DISCLAIMER: CHARACTER NAMES AND PLACES MAY BE ALTERED FOR THE PURPOSE OF THIS SEGMENT. ANY SIMITLARITIES BETWEEN SAID CHARACTERS AND REAL LIFE INDIVIDUALS ARE COMPLETELY COINCEDENTAL.

I hope you all had a great weekend, and an even better Valentine’s Day. If you got any presents or eatable goodies, please remember to donate about 20% of your items to my charity ‘I No Wan Suffer For This Life‘. Your girl was very antisocial this weekend, work and my family taking the majority of my time. So this year’s Valentine’s Day didn’t mean a damn thing to me other than extra sleep hours. But fret not, I managed to interrogate certain rats *cough* I mean, friends of mine concerning the proceedings of their special day. One of said rats in particular (He will remain anonymous) was willing to let me share her experience (I can always count on you, my beloved bush rat). So have a read & make your deductions!

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Holidays: Expectations Vs Reality

Why hello my lovelies, and Happy 2021!! May this year bring you a flat stomach, a fat wallet and an unending supply of face masks and sanitizers. Yes I know, it’s been a hot minute since I posted anything. I’ve been busy……or lazy……same thing, doesn’t matter. The important thing is that I’m back to disturb your lives again. Did you miss me? Of course you did (Who wouldn’t miss a gem like moi?). How did you find the Christmas holidays? I’m talking about those of us that were lucky enough to travel to different locations to get high on palm wine while the rest of you unfortunate souls were stuck in one place, getting more ashy by the day. Christmas has always been my favourite part of the year and my family & I spent the better part of it in our village. However, I had long suspected that things wouldn’t turn out the usual way I expected them to because of the pandemic (Thank you for that COVID). It pains me to say that I was proven right. Read on and see what I mean.

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What To Expect During The Christmas Season

Que the music, it’s that time of the year again, were we’re all supposed to be merry, jolly or whatever it is that society dictates to us so that we don’t end up on the Naughty List with no presents. Personally, I wouldn’t mind being a Grinch this year because there’s nothing festive about NHIS people lurking around my neighbourhood, waiting for me to leave my house so that I can become an unfortunate lab-rat for their new and improved palliative (They’ve taken off their uniforms and are now going about in plain clothes…….Mumu-ism is contagious this period). Anyway, like I was saying, there’s just something about the month of December in general that instills in everyone a certain ginger to outdo themselves. As of such, as soon as the 1st of December rolls around, you start to notice some tell-tale signs that the Christmas Mania is about to begin.

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12 Things I Want For Christmas

Don’t you just love the festive season? Already the lights and trees are up, the snow is…….Sorry, for a minute I forgot where I was. I meant the sun is brighter and hotter than usual and people are walking around deceiving themselves that they’re better people when come January, they’ll revert back to their original mumu nature (But that’s a story for another time. Let’s press on). When I was younger, I used to write out Christmas lists to Santa Claus (aka My parents. My father was Santa, my mum was Claus. I wasn’t stupid. I knew how these things worked). I was always frugal with my wishes (good child things) because I knew they would most likely be granted if they were reasonable enough. But now, screw reason. I’m an adult. I can finally get whatever I want because I just found out that Santa is real! Lord do I plan to suck the man dry. Years of suppression and rubbish gifts have led me to this golden moment. What do I need again? Oh yeah, pen…check, paper…check, envelope…check, postage stamps…check, dignity and self restraint………..b***h please. On to my list!

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