StoryTime: Be My Valentine

It’s that time of the week again. StoryTime! If you’re new to this segment, StoryTime is a part of my blog where I relate the random experiences, mine or otherwise, that may or may not be fictional. Your job is to decide which is which.

DISCLAIMER: CHARACTER NAMES AND PLACES MAY BE ALTERED FOR THE PURPOSE OF THIS SEGMENT. ANY SIMITLARITIES BETWEEN SAID CHARACTERS AND REAL LIFE INDIVIDUALS ARE COMPLETELY COINCEDENTAL.

I hope you all had a great weekend, and an even better Valentine’s Day. If you got any presents or eatable goodies, please remember to donate about 20% of your items to my charity ‘I No Wan Suffer For This Life‘. Your girl was very antisocial this weekend, work and my family taking the majority of my time. So this year’s Valentine’s Day didn’t mean a damn thing to me other than extra sleep hours. But fret not, I managed to interrogate certain rats *cough* I mean, friends of mine concerning the proceedings of their special day. One of said rats in particular (He will remain anonymous) was willing to let me share her experience (I can always count on you, my beloved bush rat). So have a read & make your deductions!

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The Wonderful Characteristics Of A Nigerian Wedding

Weddings are a whole other affair in Nigeria. And it wouldn’t be a Nigerian wedding if the following factors didn’t come into play.

1. LATENESS

It specifically says on the invite that the ‘Reception Starts at 1pm‘. What time do guests start arriving? 3 – 4pm. Everyone wants to be fashionably late. Even the wedding party itself will be late. I once went to a wedding where the bridal party arrived so late that the party Jellof rice had decongealed back to plain white rice & red stew. The only people that do come early are the caterers and the decorators. They don’t need anyone stressing their lives about being on time. Me, I come early to secure my parking space & a prime seat next to the buffet table. Priorities.

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Top 10 Worst Break Up Lines

1. ‘IT’S NOT ME, IT’S YOU’. Yei, my heart. No, I’m 80% sure it’s you. In fact, it’s not me that’ll punish you. My God will judge you.

2. ‘I WISH WE COULD ALWAYS BE TOGETHER’. I don’t understand. Are we not together already? Did we split up without me knowing? You cunning psycho.

3 ‘YOU’RE NOT MY TYPE’. Why did you date me then? Was I just a typographical error to you? The audacity. Darling let me just say, your protruding forehead isn’t desirable to anyone.

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The 6 Stages Of A Relationship

It’s always euphoric when starting a new relationship. First kisses, First dates, that sort of thing. Sometimes it goes south all too quickly & you’re left heartbroken, doomed to start the whole cycle again. If you’re lucky, you find the right person after a couple gos on the merry-go-round. Unlucky? You’re stuck in the ride for so long that you end up becoming a permanent fixture. Either way, experience is gained, and that experience has taught us to recognise the 6 stages we may go through.

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The Top 6 Worst Kind of Couples

Ah love. Sweet, sweet love. In the air, waiting to ambush you at any moment. I, in particular, have the fortunate deposition of being both romantic & realistic. The former affords me the opportunity to appreciate the beauty of relationships, while the latter prompts me to make cheap jokes at the very idea of it.

We’ve all been in relationships, or have at least served as a witness to the relationships of others. Some good, some bad, & and some just plain creepy. I come to you proudly to say that I have managed to compile a list of the 6 most annoying couples I’ve ever met. Shall we?

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